ColemanMedia Report

Online media behemoth Google announced Monday that it has inked rapper and self-professed True Blood fan Snoop Dogg as the official spokesperson for YouTube’s new “Leanback” user interface.  The interface, which uses a simplified user interface and larger video display area that some speculate is designed for use on TV’s, was a perfect fit for Snoop, according to Suzie Reider, CMO at YouTube.  “Snoop encapsulates everything that Leanback is about,” said Reider.  “He has a laid back attitude, bad posture, and a slowed speech pattern.  Plus he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind.  We agree wholeheartedly with that philosophy, as this product is designed to take as much money as humanly possible from our advertisers.”  While the amount Snoop will be paid for the role was not released, a spokesperson for the rapper confirmed that “now his homies can have some.”

Only a week after search monopoly Google quietly launched its long anticipated  ”Caffeine” search engine algorithm, the company announced Monday afternoon that it had acquired copyright and ownership of the word, concept and use of the chemical compound caffeine.  According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission earlier Monday, Google will now be able to charge royalties for any mention or use of the popular and highly addictive stimulant.  ”To be honest, we needed another significant revenue stream other than search,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”Sure, YouTube and DoubleClick bring in money, but it’s chump change.  And since we already named our new algorithm ‘Caffeine,’ we thought ‘why not?’  So now, every time you buy a cup of coffee or a candy bar, we take 25 cents.  By my calculations, I should be able to buy a yacht every 17 minutes with that kind of revenue.”

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

Further escalating the three-year copyright dispute between the two media stalwarts, search giant Google publicly announced late last week that they “are like rubber” and characterized adversary Viacom as “glue,” adding that “everything they do bounces off us and sticks” on Viacom.  The statement, issued late last week by Chief Playground Officer Susie Derkins, capped allegations by Google that Viacom committed the very copyright violations it accused Google of perpetuating.  ”Nuh-uh,” said an attorney from Viacom, who refused to be identified.  ”They started it.”  ”Did not,” countered Derkins. “Did too, quitsies,” said the Viacom lawyer.  ”Did not, double quitsies,” said Derkins.  ”Did too, triple quitsies, times infinity!” said the Viacom lawyer.  Judge Wormwood, presiding over the case, declined to comment on the latest accusations, saying only: “Thank God I only have five years to retirement.”