ColemanMedia Report

The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers announced the release of the widely anticipated next generation of the Internet, Web 3.0, at a press conference in Burlingame, CA Monday afternoon.  The new version, slated for release June 20th, promises several key enhancements over Web 2.0.  ”The new Internet is like Web 2.0 on steriods,” said ICANN spokesperson Karl Schnaubhauser.  ”It does everything Web 2.0 does, but 1,000 times better.”  According to Web 3.0 specification documents, the new version will render things like actual social interaction, short-term memory, and free will totally obsolete.  ”It’s amazing.  With the new system, you won’t need to know anything: your friend’s phone numbers, your address, or even your name.  Web 3.0 will know all of that for you, along with your likes, dislikes, and things you didn’t even know you like.  The best part, you won’t even need a device to access it.  It will come to you.  Whether you like it or not.”

According to several witnesses at the scene, the 3rd Annual Wikipedia Editors party held last Friday evening at Donohue’s Bar and Grill in Watertown, MA was a “total sausagefest” consisting almost entirely of male attendees.  Event organizer Wendell Nincomepough confirmed that of the 376 guests at the party, approximately only 12 were female, many of whom were “kind of the homely type, if you know what I mean.”  The event, which draws ardent volunteer Wikipedia editors from around the country, accurately reflects the demographic breakdown of Wikipedia editors online, according to comScore analyst Lief Bergenbacher.  ”The people who actually take the time to edit Wikipedia are 572% more likely to be well-educated males in their mid thirties who still live with their parents,” said Bergenbacher.  ”So it’s no surprise to us that a party of Wikipedia editors would be all dudes.  I mean, what chick wants to be picked up by a guy who corrects her use of ‘euphemism.’”

The CEO of wingnut manufacturer Wing-It, Inc. was reportedly given the wrong directions to the blogosphere Monday afternoon while attempting to navigate the vast and sometimes confusing social media universe.  Jessup Scranton, 55, read about the blogosphere in an April 2009 Mediapost article, which reportedly claimed that a presence in the blogosphere was mandatory for any brand that wanted to survive the Web 2.0 “revolution.”  According to Scranton, Internet mapping service Mapquest informed him that the blogosphere was only 14.2 miles, or 31 minutes from his West Poughkeepsie, NY office.  ”According to the directions, the blogosphere was just across the street from the old Bennigan’s on Maple,” said Scranton.  ”But when I got there, there were no blogs, comments, or any social media to be seen, save for the three suspicious looking fellas who looked like they could have scored me some smack.  It got me thinking this whole blogging thing is just a load of malarkey.”