ColemanMedia Report

Seven data miners rescued after eight grueling hours of being trapped in non-operational meta data were greeted with a decidedly lukewarm reception on the 14th floor offices of Foote, Cone & Mr. Belding early Monday evening, according to several witnesses at the scene. The miners, all employees of FCB, were released just after 5:37 p.m. to a crowd of 6-8 co-workers, who had gathered nearby to watch an Antoine Dodson video. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Garrett Knowbody, one of the last miners to be pulled from the data, to a crowd of disinterested co-workers. “After 2:30, we thought we were goners for sure. I feel like we couldn’t have made it out without the tireless support of all of you out there. But frankly, I thought you’d be more excited to see us. I mean, we’re not Chilean, but we do make a positive contribution to the company.” Immediately after Knowbody’s statement, witness reported hearing Alexis from Account Services say: “Did one of those data guys just say something? Eww. Omigod, this part is so funny!”

Leading social network Facebook successfully sold personably identifiable data, a fitted camouflage Braves hat, and a pair of limited edition Air Force One DJ Clark Kent sneakers belonging to one of their users sometime last week, according to complaints filed with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department Monday.  The items, previously belonging to 24-year-old Douglasville resident Rodney Boowinkle, were purchased by an unidentified advertiser for $65 under a user targeting agreement facilitated by Facebook’s hotly contested and expertly hidden user privacy policy.  According to paragraph 6,782,423 of the privacy policy, Facebook “may disclose, dispose of, or sell any data, belongings, or immediate family members” of any of its users.  ”This shit is whack,” said Boowinkle.  ”Those were mid-top Air Force One’s in the original colorway.  How am I gonna find me some of them now?”

Junior Account Coordinator Peter Pantswaist was reportedly alerted about the unzipped fly on his jeans Monday afternoon by information aggregation service Google Dashboard, as he logged in to review his privacy settings.  According to Google Dashboard, which tracks Pantwaist’s personal online data and account settings, the fly became unzipped between Pantwaist’s email to Lindsay in HR and his trip to the company restroom.  ”It’s a little creepy, to be honest,” said Pantswaist.  ”On one hand, I’m grateful that it helped me avoid a potentially embarrassing situation, but on the other hand, Google can see that my pants are unzipped.  I mean, the whole purpose of Dashboard was to create transparency about the data they collect on me and give me some control on how it’s used.  But for some reason, I’m even more uncomfortable now than I was before.”  Dashboard also reminded Pantswaist that he forgot to pay his cable bill and that he missed his rearmost upper right molar while brushing his teeth earlier that morning.