ColemanMedia Report

A report released this week by the Anderson School for the Statistically Obvious confirms that Internet users who regularly use online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are 24% more likely to use online social networks than those who currently don’t.  The report also points out that users of social media are 62% more likely to partake in “social” activities, such as exchanging emails, text messages, and writing reviews of “things that suck.”  ”Wow,” said Dan Determan, a media analyst at Omniworks Mediacom.  ”You mean to tell me that people on social networks are having conversations online?  Like talking to their friends online?  Who would have thought!  This totally validates the $1,695 we paid for this research!”  The report also revealed that people with eyes are 52.3% more likely to read content on social networks than those without.

Officials with the San Diego Center for Disease Control confirmed early Friday that a pandemic-level outbreak of Nerd Flu occurred in and around the San Diego Convention Center last week, potentially affecting thousands of victims.  Officials positively diagnosed over 542 known cases inside the annual Comic-Con International event, but fear that many more cases may go unreported.  The R2D2 strain is considered by many health officials to be far more dangerous than the H1N1 virus, as it can be easily and quickly transmitted via Facebook, Twitter, or SMS messages.  ”It’s especially communicable with jailbreaked iPhones using Skype or some other free service,” said SDCDC president Lars Van Winkle.  ”It’s important that people recognize the symptoms of Nerd Flu so that it can be treated in the early stages.  If you find yourself becoming overly giddy over Tron footage or a near-mint copy of Sandworms of Dune, you should immediately get yourself to the nearest Sports Bar.”  ED. NOTE: Senior Manga Field Reporter Greg Sher contributed to this report.

The United States Senate Commerce Committee issued a 3-month moratorium on celebrity deaths early Monday, following the near collapse of popular micro-blog Twitter after the rapid-fire deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. The moratorium, which would levy steep fines against family members of celebrities who die before September 28th, is meant to protect Twitter, which the US government relies solely upon for information on Iranian foreign intelligence, and the locations of post Soviet-era nuclear weapons and popular Korean BBQ trucks. “Twitter provides a lot of valuable information to the government,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D), California. “It’s absolutely essential to the security of this country that I know where the Kogi truck is going to be on Tuesday nights. And we can’t have celebrities screwing that up.” Specific warnings about dying were issued directly to Lindsay Lohan, Pete Doherty, and Larry King.