ColemanMedia Report

Self-proclaimed social media expert and panelist Lester Swindleson refused to verbally answer any of moderator Sam Speakwell’s questions during the “Media and Marketing in the Social Graph” session at the OMMA Social Media Conference last week, opting instead to live-Tweet his comments, according to several deeply irritated witnesses at the scene.  Swindleson’s Tweets, which included many references to the hash tags #stupidquestion and #socialNOOB, were reportedly intended to demonstrate his wikipedic knowledge and nonsensical commitment to the medium.  ”Really, it just made him look like a complete and total douchebag,” said one conference attendee who asked to remain anonymous.  ”I mean seriously, who came to this conference to watch this ass clown type things into his Droid Incredible?  Thank God my company didn’t actually have to pay for me to attend this conference, or they would feel like complete idiots.  Speaking of idiots, where the hell do they find these people?”

In an effort to treat his increasingly obvious addiction to broadcasting the mundane details of his life, part time Starbucks barista and full-time social media maven Rodney Pinkleberry checked in to Social Media Rehab through Foursquare Monday afternoon, according to his Foursqure, Gowalla, Facebook and Twitter feeds.  Pinkleberry admitted himself to a Santa Monica, CA facility at his own will, after finally realizing that he has a problem.  ”It didn’t really dawn on me until I ousted PickleD36 as the Mayor of 2nd handicap parking spot at Trader Joe’s in WeHo,” said Pinkleberry.  ”I had my Adventurer badge, my Explorer badge, but I knew things were getting bad when I earned my Overshare badge.  I mean, people stopped responding to my updates.  So I checked in to Rehab.  Where it’s gonna take me forever to oust LindsayL as Mayor.”

Just three hours after popular social networking application Twitter announced the addition of sponsored Tweets, retail clerk and Twitter user Ryan Baumgarten confirmed that the Tweet promoting “gr8 deals on Cialis & Viagra” at an unnamed Canadian pharmacy was probably not from friend and fellow Twitter user Ced Needlemeier.  The Tweet, which hit Baumgarten’s feed at 12:32 p.m. Tuesday, reportedly came from Needlemeier’s @NeedleInAHaystack account, but lacked his recognizable voice.  ”There’s no way that was Ced, man,” said Baumgarten.  ”He’s always blabbing on about the ‘Ra Ra Riot Tix’ he just scored, or how hot the girl at ‘S-Bucks was who served him his Carml Mach.’  I mean, this was obviously one of those ads, man.  Why does Twitter gotta sellout like this?  Can’t they just leave us to make #DrakesEyebrows a trending topic without trying to make money?”

Just days after conflicting audience reports from Facebook and Twitter had many industry insiders questioning the unabated growth of Social Media, Grandma Gertrude confirmed that Social Media is still in fact growing at a “doggone dizzying pace.”  Gertrude, who has been measuring Social Media’s growth by marking its height on her kitchen wall since it was “this tall,” is still surprised at the seemingly endless expansion.  ”Little Jimmy didn’t reach the counter until he was 8 or 9,” Gertrude said.  ”But I’ll be damned if Social Media wasn’t taller than my doily rack before it was 5 years old.  And it isn’t fixin’ to stop growing anytime soon.  I don’t know what the hell its parents are feeding it, but it’s working.”  Gertrude also reported that while Social Media spends less time watching TV, it’s “always talking to its friends on that damned computer.”

Co-workers at the Chicago office of Bogelsby, Bertelbahm, & Humperdink staged an impromptu Twittervention early Monday with traffic coordinator Danny McNeil after McNeil reportedly posted his 26th post on the popular micro blog in under an hour.  According to several of McNeil’s coworkers, the frequency and frivolousness of his posts forced them to intervene and urge McNeil to admit that he has a problem.  ”I check Twitter maybe once a week just to follow a few people, and all I get are Danny’s goddamn updates,” said co-worker Jeremy Brighton.  ”Like last week, I logged in to check out the latest from Shitmydadsays, and all I get is a play-by-play of Danny’s 12-hour Battlestar Galactica RPG session.  That show’s been off the air for like a year!”  According to witnesses, the Twittervention did not work as well as planned.  McNeil tweeted about the confrontation 17 minutes after it occurred.  Ed. Note: Senior Twitterverse Correspondent Erin Mikosz contributed to this article.

The blogosphere was abuzz early Tuesday after a recent round of financing by Derivative Capital valued popular micro-blog Twitter at just over 5 billion Retweets, dramatically topping earlier estimates of $250.17.  While the buzz seems to be mostly confusion over what exactly 5 billion Retweets actually means, most bloggers agree that the prognosis is good, despite Twitter’s inability to turn a profit thus far.  ”Technically a Retweet has absolutely no monetary value whatsoever,” said Moishe Malakai, lead blogger at Mashable.com.  ”But Twitter’s not concerned about making money, and they shouldn’t have to be.  Twitter as a business subsists entirely on buzz, popularity, and growth, not a sustainable revenue plan.  And so far they’ve done a bang-up job with that.  Besides, if someone named Derivative Capital places a big bet on you, you have to be doing something right.  Right?”

The Central Intelligence Agency announced late Friday that a new technology contract will allow the agency to instantly track criminals, suspects and ex-girlfriends within popular social networks Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter.  The contract, with Seattle-based Visible Technologies, will allow agents to track any and all social networking activity of “persons of interest” secretely – without logging in or revealing their identities.  ”This is a huge leap forward in allowing us to stalk ex-girlfriends,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.  ”Before we had to log in and send friend requests to find out what they were up to.  Most of the time they would just ignore or deny us.  But now I can track Peggy, Donna, and Gladys Steinberg without them knowing, and find out if they really hooked up with Kevin from senior gym class.”  Financial details of the contract were not released, but Panetta characterized the cost as “totally worth it.”

United States President Barack Obama has not yet confirmed Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s friend request on Facebook sent early last week, according to representatives of Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  Ahmadinejad, who sent the request last Monday, has come under fire recently for reportedly blocking access to social networking sites Facebook and Twitter after his widely disputed presidential win in June.  ”Ahmadinejad gets a bad rap,” said Khemeni al Khemeni, a spokesman for Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  ”He’s actually a very fun-loving, social guy, and very active on both Facebook and Twitter.  In fact, he’s summarily executed thousands of his own citizens for not accepting his friend requests.”  U.S. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated that President Obama has yet to receive Ahmadinejad’s request, largely because the Facebook Mobile app on his Blackberry has been “acting up lately.”

Representatives of the IT department in the Little Rock office of Klein, Barter, & Schnook confirmed reports from several co-workers that junior account planner Ryan McBrubin was caught “Twooping” at approximately 10:15 a.m. local time.  According to company log files, McBrubin posted two Twitter updates from his Blackberry Pearl while using the company restroom on the third floor.  ”We suspected for some time that McBrubin might be texting while using the restroom,” said IT manager Richard Rhindglass.  ”But when he sent two Tweets about a song playing over our intercom radio, our worst fears were confirmed.  As a company, we don’t have an official policy against Twooping, but as a person – even an IT guy – I think it’s just plain gross.  I won’t be answering Ryan’s phone if it rings, that’s for sure.”  Ed. Note: Junior Commode Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

A report released this week by the Anderson School for the Statistically Obvious confirms that Internet users who regularly use online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are 24% more likely to use online social networks than those who currently don’t.  The report also points out that users of social media are 62% more likely to partake in “social” activities, such as exchanging emails, text messages, and writing reviews of “things that suck.”  ”Wow,” said Dan Determan, a media analyst at Omniworks Mediacom.  ”You mean to tell me that people on social networks are having conversations online?  Like talking to their friends online?  Who would have thought!  This totally validates the $1,695 we paid for this research!”  The report also revealed that people with eyes are 52.3% more likely to read content on social networks than those without.