ColemanMedia Report

In an effort to comply with FDA guidelines and increasing consumer expectations of more healthy menu options from fast food restaurants, quick serve behemoth and arch nemesis of cardiologists worldwide McDonald’s announced late Monday that it will label its storied Big Mac burger as “healthy” on the menu boards of its 14,000+ US restaurants.  The move, which has dieticians and most people with a 3rd grade or higher education angry and confused, was defended by a spokesperson as simply “giving the people what they want.”  ”Look, the American people have spoken,” said McDonald’s chief nutritionist Ronald von Fraudenstein.  ”And they want more healthy options.  Well, the Big Mac is healthly, relatively speaking.  For example, our studies show it’s 62% less likely to cause cancer than a diet consisting wholly of spent uranium rods, and 28% less likely to kill you than a mid-sized crossover vehicle traveling 45 miles per hour.  So we feel very comfortable taking this claim to market.”

A study released Monday by the Center for Modern Advertising and the Effect on Intelligence revealed that the unprecedented 4% drop in US beer sales recently may be a product of consumers finally realizing that drinking light beers out of bottles or cans does not actually make one more attractive to the opposite sex.  According to the study, only 74% of consumers surveyed still believe that drinking a beer at a bar, bbq, or unusually hot commuter train will cause exceptionally beautiful women to approach them – a sharp decline from only 2 years ago.  ”What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Guy Rosenthall, a fellow with CMAEI.  ”As consumers start to associate their product experiences with reality, their purchasing habits actually change.  Soon beer marketers may have to replace the ‘it’ll get you laid’ positioning with a ‘it’ll help you forget about your day at work’ message.”

Responding to widespread criticism over claims that Cocoa Krispies supports children’s immunity, Kellogg Corporation revised the packaging of the popular kids cereal to reflect the more accurate and verifiable claims that the chocolate-flavored rice crisps can cure cancer and secure world peace, if included as a part of this nutritious breakfast.  The criticism reportedly stemmed from bold lettering on boxes of Cocoa Krispies claiming that the cereal “helps support your child’s IMMUNITY,” which has since been corrected, according to Margaret Bath, Kellogg’s VP of Research, Quality and Technology.  ”At Kellogg, we strive for quality and truth in everything we do, and we apologize for any confusion,” said Bath.  ”Earlier claims of supporting immunity were pure suppositions based on vitamin content, but the current claims of curing cancer and attaining world peace are far more honest, incontestable, and likely to sell more boxes of cereal to people too gullible to check up on our claims.”

Hoping to spark more life into the stagnating organic foods market, the U.S. Department of Agriculture awarded Continental Baking Company’s popular Hostess Twinkies snack cake an official USDA Organic seal late Friday. The seal, which allows Hostess to market the cakes as “organic,” has undergone “slight” modifications in its definition of organic in order to ease limitations on packaged food manufacturers and allow more affordable items to be marketed as such. The move, which surprised many organic purists, has been ardently defended by local politicians and food industry lobbyists. “What’s important is not that America eats healthy,” said Continental spokesman Bobby Jay Bliss, “but that it thinks it’s eating healthy. We can deal with the long-term effects later. That’s why they’re called ‘long-term.’” Continental plans to launch a multi-platform ad campaign touting Twinkies’ “hormone free diglycerides” and “farm fresh Yellow No. 5″ in early August.