ColemanMedia Report

Just hours after Goldman Sachs’ highly-publicized $450 million investment in Facebook, investment firm and credit rating agency Booty’s released a brief valuing the ubiquitous social network at “one million trillion dollars,” nearly 67 thousand times the current GDP of the United States. Juergen Riesling, chief analyst for Booty’s, justified the valuation based on Facebook’s recent usurping of Google and the 405 freeway in Los Angeles as the most trafficked site in the world. “To be perfectly honest, we just threw that number out there to see if people would buy it,” said Riesling about the valuation. “It was a bet between me and Clyde, and he won. So if you’re the proud owner of any of those privately traded shares, um, now might be a good time to think about shorting them. Or not, if you don’t mind taking a rather expensive bubble bath. I’m off to buy the first of twelve lunches for Clyde.”

Erstwhile online social network and stalking ground MySpace quietly announced a complete re-launch last week, according to the six reporters that attended a press conference led by CEO Mike Jones. The forgotten social network reportedly re-tooled itself to be an entertainment portal where users can find and consume music, video, and gossip, prompting many media pundits to say: “wait, MySpace is still around?” “No f*cking way!” said Jamichael Carrington of popular online blog TechCrunchBerries. “MySpace is still in business? I wonder if I still have a profile over there. I don’t even know how I’d check, though. I mean, I have no clue what my user name was. Wow, this is far out!” In a related story, a 122-year-old Coast Redwood tree fell in a remote area just south of Spring Lake in Sequoia National Park, according to the National Audobon Society. The exact time of the fall is not known.

In an apparent move to preemptively protect their brand, increasingly empirical social network service Facebook filed a cease and desist notice in California District Court against the A-Team, temporarily prohibiting them from using the nicknames “Face” or “Faceman” in any movie sequels, TV re-runs or mall appearances. The notice, served to John “Hannibal” Smith, Templeton “Face” Peck, H.M Murdock, and B.A. Baracus, goes before an appellate judge Thursday, and is widely expected to be temporarily granted. The move reportedly did not surprise many legal experts. “It’s textbook, really,” said legal expert Hamilton Burger. “Facebook already takes great pride in unfettered ownership of their users’ privacy and online behavior, so why not take the property of anything that even remotely resembles their name, especially in the form of 80′s TV shows and horrible remakes? It makes total sense. Actually, can you strike that whole ‘textbook’ comment? I don’t want them suing me for using the word ‘book.’ Shit, scratch that last line too, would you?”

A report released this week by the Anderson School for the Statistically Obvious confirms that Internet users who regularly use online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are 24% more likely to use online social networks than those who currently don’t.  The report also points out that users of social media are 62% more likely to partake in “social” activities, such as exchanging emails, text messages, and writing reviews of “things that suck.”  ”Wow,” said Dan Determan, a media analyst at Omniworks Mediacom.  ”You mean to tell me that people on social networks are having conversations online?  Like talking to their friends online?  Who would have thought!  This totally validates the $1,695 we paid for this research!”  The report also revealed that people with eyes are 52.3% more likely to read content on social networks than those without.