ColemanMedia Report

Digital location-based service and annoyingly popular social media networking tool of the moment Foursquare revealed that co-worker Skip Dangley interviewed at rival agency Dimm, Wittedt & Thicke while on his lunch break Tuesday afternoon.  Dangley, a self-professed “addict” of Foursquare and acting “Mayor” of Louie’s Sub & Pub on Pico Blvd., inadvertently revealed his lunch plans when he “checked in” to the DWT Los Angeles office.  ”When Skip left, we assumed he was running out to Louie’s to grab a hoagie,” said Dangley’s direct supervisor Jed Lewis.  ”But when I saw his post on my BlackBerry that he was ‘about to unlock the Better Job Badge at another agency,’ I knew something was up.  So we went ahead and packed up all his stuff so that when he gets back to the office he can ‘check out’ of his current job that much easier.”

Only days after the much ballyhooed and bewildering launch of social media tool Google Buzz, search giant and political lobbyist Google has announced the upcoming launch of “UsToo,” a new platform that will allow the media conglomerate to quickly and underwhelmingly copy virtually any popular social, mobile or web application.  According to the announcement, “UsToo” will give Google the flexibility to release confusing and relatively useless applications that mirror whatever the hottest new future trend may be.  ”We learned a lot from Buzz,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”We were late to the game with a social sharing tool that quite simply, even we didn’t understand.  With ‘UsToo’ we’ll no longer be late.  We’ll be nimble enough to release perplexingly forgettable applications almost immediately after a far better version of it becomes popular with the general public.  Because, quite frankly, I’m getting bored of running an immensely profitable search engine.”

According to a report issued Monday by the social media watchdog group Friend Feeder, Facebook users have created more than 16 million new fan pages with the express purpose of generating more fans than every person, public figure, or brand that they dislike, don’t agree with, or simply want to make fun of.  The pages and groups, which started as jokes about pictures of domesticated animals getting more fans than Glenn Beck or Nickelback, have quickly snowballed to collectively waste more than 189 million hours of Facebook user time in the last week alone.  ”We see this as the beginning of the end for Facebook,” said Matthew P. Whipplebottoms, a research analyst at Friend Feeder.  ”It started with lost cows wandering on to people’s walls, where the utility of keeping in touch with friends and acquaintances gave way to the mindless time suck that is ‘Let’s see if this one-eyed mole rat can get more fans than the Verizon Guy’s glasses.’”

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”

Just days after conflicting audience reports from Facebook and Twitter had many industry insiders questioning the unabated growth of Social Media, Grandma Gertrude confirmed that Social Media is still in fact growing at a “doggone dizzying pace.”  Gertrude, who has been measuring Social Media’s growth by marking its height on her kitchen wall since it was “this tall,” is still surprised at the seemingly endless expansion.  ”Little Jimmy didn’t reach the counter until he was 8 or 9,” Gertrude said.  ”But I’ll be damned if Social Media wasn’t taller than my doily rack before it was 5 years old.  And it isn’t fixin’ to stop growing anytime soon.  I don’t know what the hell its parents are feeding it, but it’s working.”  Gertrude also reported that while Social Media spends less time watching TV, it’s “always talking to its friends on that damned computer.”

The CEO of wingnut manufacturer Wing-It, Inc. was reportedly given the wrong directions to the blogosphere Monday afternoon while attempting to navigate the vast and sometimes confusing social media universe.  Jessup Scranton, 55, read about the blogosphere in an April 2009 Mediapost article, which reportedly claimed that a presence in the blogosphere was mandatory for any brand that wanted to survive the Web 2.0 “revolution.”  According to Scranton, Internet mapping service Mapquest informed him that the blogosphere was only 14.2 miles, or 31 minutes from his West Poughkeepsie, NY office.  ”According to the directions, the blogosphere was just across the street from the old Bennigan’s on Maple,” said Scranton.  ”But when I got there, there were no blogs, comments, or any social media to be seen, save for the three suspicious looking fellas who looked like they could have scored me some smack.  It got me thinking this whole blogging thing is just a load of malarkey.”