ColemanMedia Report

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

The Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed early Tuesday that nearly 230 million people across the United States have been injured in the social media “explosion” that has rocked the country over the last 12 months.  According to FEMA officials, the injuries, which range from mild annoyances to severe head traumas, have been caused by the perfect storm of rising social media usage, a surge in social media marketing campaigns, and chief marketing officers demanding to know what their social media strategies are.  ”We predicted back in 2008 that social media presented a significant health risk,” said Lon Dolittle, Chief Emergency Response Officer for FEMA.  ”But we had no idea it would be this bad.  This ‘explosion,’ as so many sales reps and media journalists have aptly named it, has not just torn a hole in the fabric that was everyday physical human contact, but it’s created arguably the most over-hyped and inflated media phenomenon this country has ever seen.”

Self-proclaimed social media expert and panelist Lester Swindleson refused to verbally answer any of moderator Sam Speakwell’s questions during the “Media and Marketing in the Social Graph” session at the OMMA Social Media Conference last week, opting instead to live-Tweet his comments, according to several deeply irritated witnesses at the scene.  Swindleson’s Tweets, which included many references to the hash tags #stupidquestion and #socialNOOB, were reportedly intended to demonstrate his wikipedic knowledge and nonsensical commitment to the medium.  ”Really, it just made him look like a complete and total douchebag,” said one conference attendee who asked to remain anonymous.  ”I mean seriously, who came to this conference to watch this ass clown type things into his Droid Incredible?  Thank God my company didn’t actually have to pay for me to attend this conference, or they would feel like complete idiots.  Speaking of idiots, where the hell do they find these people?”

Just three hours after popular social networking application Twitter announced the addition of sponsored Tweets, retail clerk and Twitter user Ryan Baumgarten confirmed that the Tweet promoting “gr8 deals on Cialis & Viagra” at an unnamed Canadian pharmacy was probably not from friend and fellow Twitter user Ced Needlemeier.  The Tweet, which hit Baumgarten’s feed at 12:32 p.m. Tuesday, reportedly came from Needlemeier’s @NeedleInAHaystack account, but lacked his recognizable voice.  ”There’s no way that was Ced, man,” said Baumgarten.  ”He’s always blabbing on about the ‘Ra Ra Riot Tix’ he just scored, or how hot the girl at ‘S-Bucks was who served him his Carml Mach.’  I mean, this was obviously one of those ads, man.  Why does Twitter gotta sellout like this?  Can’t they just leave us to make #DrakesEyebrows a trending topic without trying to make money?”