ColemanMedia Report

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction.  Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack.  ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill.  In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville.  So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

In yet another tough break for device-challenged Microsoft, reports surfaced early Tuesday morning that only six weeks after launching it, the software giant dropped its Kin “social” phone Monday evening, cracking the screen and rendering the device useless. According to witnesses at the scene, Microsoft dropped the non-smartphone – only one of seven sold in the United States – on Carol’s kitchen floor while at a Windows 7 Launch Party, sending plastic and glass pieces scattering across Carol’s kitchen.  ”We’re devastated,” said a representative from Microsoft.  ”All of our friend’s phone numbers were on that phone, so now we have to Facebook everyone and ask for them again.  We’re kicking ourselves for not getting the insurance.  Oh well, at least I can put out a “missed connections” ad on Craig’s List and get the number of that cute girl at Carol’s party again.”

The United States Department of Justice revealed a complex and sophisticated plot by the nation’s Smartphones at a press conference Monday afternoon, charging the devices with attempting to not only take over wireless Internet browsing from laptop computers, but to ultimately enslave the entire nation into an unnecessarily expensive and connected lifestyle.  According to officials, the plot includes detailed plans to convince Smartphone users that it’s necessary to continuously update their location, activities, opinions, and irritations to a global network of other Smartphone users with text, photos, videos and nearly indecipherable icons.  ”We’re very lucky we caught this when we did,” said Lt. JT Smackhouser.  ”This could have very easily resulted in an entire nation of people eschewing actual human interaction to update their virtual contacts at a personal cost of billions of dollars per year.  Now that we’ve pulled the cover off this thing, people can go back to buying their groceries without being an inconsiderate prick in the checkout line.”