ColemanMedia Report

Only a week after search monopoly Google quietly launched its long anticipated  ”Caffeine” search engine algorithm, the company announced Monday afternoon that it had acquired copyright and ownership of the word, concept and use of the chemical compound caffeine.  According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission earlier Monday, Google will now be able to charge royalties for any mention or use of the popular and highly addictive stimulant.  ”To be honest, we needed another significant revenue stream other than search,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”Sure, YouTube and DoubleClick bring in money, but it’s chump change.  And since we already named our new algorithm ‘Caffeine,’ we thought ‘why not?’  So now, every time you buy a cup of coffee or a candy bar, we take 25 cents.  By my calculations, I should be able to buy a yacht every 17 minutes with that kind of revenue.”

A report issued Monday by the Center for Gratuitous Mergers & Acquisitions revealed that Internet and search giant Google went nearly 8 hours late last week without acquiring another company, surprising nearly every cognizant human being, including many within the company.  According the report, Google did not purchase another company for 7 hours and 54 minutes after announcing the May 20th acquisition of music syncing service Simplify Media, a new record for the company.  ”This is certainly eye-opening,” said lead researcher Jurgen von Schniedgelfen. “Google’s appetite for assets has been insatiable.  They recently purchased every pizza restaurant within 15 miles of their Mountain View campus just so they wouldn’t have to log the receipts in their expense reports.  For them not to purchase a Plink or a Picnik or the Commonwealth of Belize is either an oversight or an omen.”   Officials with Google echoed those sentiments.  Co-founder Sergey Brin, when reached via iPhone, said only, “We didn’t?  Why didn’t we buy anyone?  Where’s Larry?”

In an effort to stem the tide of recent user privacy concerns of Internet users, politicians, and privacy activist groups, popular search engine and prime GDP contributor Google filed a patent application with the US Patent Office Tuesday seeking to own the concept of privacy outright.  According to the filing, which was entered under the Accelerated Examination Program, Google seeks to rewrite the definition of privacy both on and offline to allow “any use of personal user data that maximizes revenue for Google, its subsidiaries, or its friends and family.”  ”This was an easy decision, really,” said Google co-founder and yacht-owner Sergey Brin.  ”With all the conversation and speculation over online privacy issues and where it’s going, it made sense for us to own the concept of privacy outright.  That way we control the conversation, much like how we control what 70% of people find on the Internet when they search for ‘Justin Bieber.’  Because frankly, we can’t let a totalitarian regime like China or the FCC control something as important to the citizens of the world as our profits.”

Only days after the much ballyhooed and bewildering launch of social media tool Google Buzz, search giant and political lobbyist Google has announced the upcoming launch of “UsToo,” a new platform that will allow the media conglomerate to quickly and underwhelmingly copy virtually any popular social, mobile or web application.  According to the announcement, “UsToo” will give Google the flexibility to release confusing and relatively useless applications that mirror whatever the hottest new future trend may be.  ”We learned a lot from Buzz,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”We were late to the game with a social sharing tool that quite simply, even we didn’t understand.  With ‘UsToo’ we’ll no longer be late.  We’ll be nimble enough to release perplexingly forgettable applications almost immediately after a far better version of it becomes popular with the general public.  Because, quite frankly, I’m getting bored of running an immensely profitable search engine.”

Despite reporting better than expected search revenue figures and a rosy outlook on the future of online advertising, Google announced last week that it will be laying off up to 2,500 search engine spiders by the end of its fiscal quarter, ending in January.  According to officials at Google, the move is intended to help the media giant trim expenses and slow down the speed of search results.  ”For a long time we’ve been focused on constantly improving how people find or experience information on the Internet,” said Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin.  ”It’s time we focused on making more money.  You think Microsoft makes money by making things better?  C’mon.  They make money by force-feeding mediocre products to consumers using the leanest operation possible.  Cutting some spiders will help us do just that.”  Officials with Google report that they will first solicit volunteer spiders willing to retire early with generous severance packages, then forcefully lay off the rest.

In an effort to expand their near-ubiquitous media empire, media giant and quasi-monopoly Google announced a new technology Monday that will allow the search engine to serve keyword-targeted ads directly to users’ subconscious minds during REM sleep. Tentatively dubbed the “4th Screen,” the new format will allow marketers to insert ads directly into consumers’ dreams, where simultaneous media usage is traditionally very low. “We see dreams as the next big growth opportunity,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin. “We’ve already got TV, Radio and online covered, and no one is buying print anymore, so dreams were the next logical choice. Dreams are highly influential, plus they’re the only landscape that hasn’t been completely pillaged in the name of advertising.” Taco Bell has signed on as one of the first advertisers, promoting their “4th Meal” campaign.