ColemanMedia Report

Only a week after search monopoly Google quietly launched its long anticipated  ”Caffeine” search engine algorithm, the company announced Monday afternoon that it had acquired copyright and ownership of the word, concept and use of the chemical compound caffeine.  According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission earlier Monday, Google will now be able to charge royalties for any mention or use of the popular and highly addictive stimulant.  ”To be honest, we needed another significant revenue stream other than search,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”Sure, YouTube and DoubleClick bring in money, but it’s chump change.  And since we already named our new algorithm ‘Caffeine,’ we thought ‘why not?’  So now, every time you buy a cup of coffee or a candy bar, we take 25 cents.  By my calculations, I should be able to buy a yacht every 17 minutes with that kind of revenue.”

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”

Despite reporting better than expected search revenue figures and a rosy outlook on the future of online advertising, Google announced last week that it will be laying off up to 2,500 search engine spiders by the end of its fiscal quarter, ending in January.  According to officials at Google, the move is intended to help the media giant trim expenses and slow down the speed of search results.  ”For a long time we’ve been focused on constantly improving how people find or experience information on the Internet,” said Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin.  ”It’s time we focused on making more money.  You think Microsoft makes money by making things better?  C’mon.  They make money by force-feeding mediocre products to consumers using the leanest operation possible.  Cutting some spiders will help us do just that.”  Officials with Google report that they will first solicit volunteer spiders willing to retire early with generous severance packages, then forcefully lay off the rest.

In an exclusive interview given Tuesday to popular gossip site and intellectual vacuum TMZ.com, Yahoo! revealed that its budding relationship with the much younger search engine Bing may not be as picture perfect as initially reported.  According to Yahoo!, the much more juvenile Bing is carelessly wild with its search queries, regularly leaves the toilet seat up, and watches TV into “ungodly hours” while texting its friends.  ”I’ll admit that I was attracted to Bing’s youthful energy and boyish good looks,” said the more mature search engine.  ”But the more time I spend with it the more its starting to bug the hell out of me.”  For its part, Bing fired back in the comments section of TMZ later that day, claiming that Yahoo! “nags way too much, chews its food loudly, and still won’t admit to deleting my episodes of Venture Bros.”