ColemanMedia Report

Seven data miners rescued after eight grueling hours of being trapped in non-operational meta data were greeted with a decidedly lukewarm reception on the 14th floor offices of Foote, Cone & Mr. Belding early Monday evening, according to several witnesses at the scene. The miners, all employees of FCB, were released just after 5:37 p.m. to a crowd of 6-8 co-workers, who had gathered nearby to watch an Antoine Dodson video. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Garrett Knowbody, one of the last miners to be pulled from the data, to a crowd of disinterested co-workers. “After 2:30, we thought we were goners for sure. I feel like we couldn’t have made it out without the tireless support of all of you out there. But frankly, I thought you’d be more excited to see us. I mean, we’re not Chilean, but we do make a positive contribution to the company.” Immediately after Knowbody’s statement, witness reported hearing Alexis from Account Services say: “Did one of those data guys just say something? Eww. Omigod, this part is so funny!”

A report issued late Tuesday by the Center for Shamelessly Bad Puns revealed that the “new frugality,” which may have permanently changed consumer purchase behavior, is negatively affecting sales for Rich Media firms, as marketers look to cut costs that may be perceived as frivolous or ostentatious. According to the report, the sector has lost nearly $400 million so far this year, prompting long-standing Rich Media provider Eyeblaster to re-brand itself as the more modest MediaMind, reportedly to distance itself from any profligate associations. “As budgets get cut, marketers start to more closely scrutinize their spend,” said MediaMind VP of Sales Rick Astbury. “We had clients who would get a bill for Rich Media serving fees and say ‘what do we look like to you, a luxury brand? Our customers are trading down to store brands, and you want us to pay a $2 premium for interactivity?’ So we had to look at repackaging our product to be more in line with the ‘thinking man.’”

Officials with Department of Justice and the State of Oregon jointly confirmed late Tuesday that the Mayor of the Burgerville on SW Canyon Road, local college student Jimmy McSeamus, has been charged with 16 counts of election fraud in 9th Circuit Federal Court. According to court affidavits, the charges contend that McSeamus, who has held the Mayorship of the Beaverton, OR fast food location on Foursquare for over 6 months, illegally obtained his appointment by checking in numerous times from across the street, while walking to his day job nearby at Video Only. “We have more than enough evidence to convict McSeamus,” said Deputy District Attorney Conrad McMasters, “including GPS location data and several solid eyewitness accounts. And we intend to throw the book at him. Blagojevich may have gotten away with this one, but McSeamus is going down.” If convicted on all 16 counts, McSeamus faces up to 12 years in Federal prison, the loss of his Mayorship, and the loss of his Adventurer badge.

Celebrity chef and closet Turret’s sufferer Emeril Lagasse inadvertently landed himself on the Department of Homeland Security’s Terrorist Watch List Sunday evening after yelling his trademark catch phrase “Bam!” while competing against White House Executive Chef Cristeta Comerford on the Food Network’s popular Iron Chef show.  Lagasse, who lost to Comerford, characterized the classification as either a misunderstanding or a “blatant form of censorship meant to silence critics of the White House’s menu, and a spineless vote fixing maneuver.”  Homeland Security officials disagreed, citing a suspicious opaque liquid that Lagasse reportedly smuggled into his peppercorn roasted pork loin.  ”No one uses a milky-white liquid in a proper vermouth pan sauce,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.  ”Plus the man literally has no neck.  That in and of itself makes him a person of interest.”