ColemanMedia Report

In an effort to comply with FDA guidelines and increasing consumer expectations of more healthy menu options from fast food restaurants, quick serve behemoth and arch nemesis of cardiologists worldwide McDonald’s announced late Monday that it will label its storied Big Mac burger as “healthy” on the menu boards of its 14,000+ US restaurants.  The move, which has dieticians and most people with a 3rd grade or higher education angry and confused, was defended by a spokesperson as simply “giving the people what they want.”  ”Look, the American people have spoken,” said McDonald’s chief nutritionist Ronald von Fraudenstein.  ”And they want more healthy options.  Well, the Big Mac is healthly, relatively speaking.  For example, our studies show it’s 62% less likely to cause cancer than a diet consisting wholly of spent uranium rods, and 28% less likely to kill you than a mid-sized crossover vehicle traveling 45 miles per hour.  So we feel very comfortable taking this claim to market.”

The Chick-Fil-A cows, famous for encouraging consumers to “Eat Mor Chikin” for the last ten-plus years, began picketing several Southern California locations of QSR chain El Pollo Loco Monday morning over the fast-feeder’s new Flame Grilled Sirloin Steak campaign.   The cows, carrying signs reading “Loos The Beef” and “Carne A-Crazy,” stood outside locations in Puente Hills and Reseda, CA, vocally urging consumers not to support El Pollo Loco’s newest steak menu items.  ”We used to consider El Pollo Loco practically a sister company,” said cow spokeswoman Betsy, “with their deep komitmint to chikin.  But this is lik a slap in the fase.  We feel lik weev been stabbed in the bak with a pitchfork.  We pleed with the good peepel of Southern California not to support an organization that turns their back on the cow kommunity with such obvious krewlty and disrespekt.  We’re prepared to stay out heer as long as it takes to hav our werds herd.”