ColemanMedia Report

According to several witnesses at the scene, western regional sales director Derek Noklass began a media capabilities PowerPoint presentation during the DrinkLA Summer Mixer event Wednesday evening, shortly after purchasing a round of drinks for three members of the Hyundai marketing team.  The 52-slide presentation was reportedly given standing up, after handing two vodka sodas and one Amstel Light to the three members of the team at approximately 8:30 p.m., nearly two hours into the industry networking event.  ”We were like, what the hell is he doing?” said Jill Blakesly, a media buyer on the Hyundai team.  ”He asks us if we want refills on our drinks, and we’re like ’sure, why not?’  Then he comes back 5 minutes later with drinks and a laptop, and starts going to town on his retargeting capabilities.  I mean, really?  It would have almost been less inappropriate to accidentally touch my boob or something.  Almost.”

A study released Monday by the Center for Obvious Gags and Wordplay revealed an alarming link between the emerging technology of cloud computing and the controversial theory of global warming. According to the report, Excel spreadsheets and sales Powerpoint presentations stored in the cloud may be attaching themselves to valuable hydrogen molecules, causing severe water shortages, and potentially speeding up the process of global warming by up to 342%. “We’ve always suspected that unnecessary sales drivel would somehow lead to the end of the world,” said lead researcher Wyatt Donelly. “But we never thought that it would happen this quickly. We don’t really understand exactly what cloud computing is, but that’s not the issue. The issue is the lightning fast accessibility of insipid sales material literally sucking the essential elements of life out of our immediate atmosphere.” According to the report, cloud computing could end life as we know it somewhere in the second quarter of 2012.