ColemanMedia Report

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

Further escalating the three-year copyright dispute between the two media stalwarts, search giant Google publicly announced late last week that they “are like rubber” and characterized adversary Viacom as “glue,” adding that “everything they do bounces off us and sticks” on Viacom.  The statement, issued late last week by Chief Playground Officer Susie Derkins, capped allegations by Google that Viacom committed the very copyright violations it accused Google of perpetuating.  ”Nuh-uh,” said an attorney from Viacom, who refused to be identified.  ”They started it.”  ”Did not,” countered Derkins. “Did too, quitsies,” said the Viacom lawyer.  ”Did not, double quitsies,” said Derkins.  ”Did too, triple quitsies, times infinity!” said the Viacom lawyer.  Judge Wormwood, presiding over the case, declined to comment on the latest accusations, saying only: “Thank God I only have five years to retirement.”

A report issued early Tuesday by online media measurement firm comScore revealed that 2,572 separate video networks tied for the coveted top spot for December 2009, according to comScore’s new Digital Advertising Return To Basics On Average Relevant Dealio (darTBoarD) measurement standard.  The new standard, which takes into account audience size, video completion rate, and sales PowerPoint slides, ranked all 2,572 video networks as #1 with your desired key demographic.  ”These results are solid,” said David Bates, Director of Research and Other Useless Stats at comScore.  ”Not only do they show that each network is indeed #1, but they clearly demonstrate that pretty much anything you want to purport as fact is true so long as you have enough screenshots.”  A planner at Epicenter Media, who declined to be identified for fear of losing her spa privileges, responded ambivalently to the report by asking: “What’s a comScore?”

A study released late Friday by online audience stalwart Nielsen NetRatings revealed that the average attention span of US Internet users increased 1.2 seconds to 7.2 seconds, up from a seasonally adjusted average of 6 seconds in January. The increase, credited in large part to more people watching long-form video online, has been lauded by experts as a giant leap forward for online aptitude and general intelligence. “We credit sites like Hulu for the increase,” said lead researcher Dr. Paul Novotny. “More people are watching full episodes of intellectually stimulating shows like America’s Got Talent and Bikini Body Makeover. So their brains are starting to linger longer. In some rare cases, we had average users who could almost complete a rational thought, before they remembered they left the popcorn in the microwave too long.”