ColemanMedia Report

Twenty-six year-old tattoo artist Ramon Ramirez was injured by a “laser-targeted” display ad late Monday evening while surfing the “kind of played out but still useful” music video site Pitchfork.com.  The ad, served by behavioral targeting network ExactoClick, reportedly shot actual laser beams from the Duarte resident’s computer screen, burning the skin on his neck and causing damage to his heather gray cardigan.  The news took media planners from the agency responsible for the media buy by surprise.  “When our rep from ExactoClick said they used ‘laser targeting,’ we thought it was just a really cheesy name for behavioral targeting” said Sarah Shag, a planner on the team.  “We had no idea they would shoot actual lasers and cause harm to people.  Honestly, we were just trying to target users who had searched for Indie music and high fashion sneakers.  We had no idea cookieing people could be this dangerous.”

Trendy discount airline of-the-moment Virgin America revealed the identities of their target customers, Jimmy Jetsetter and Sally Saver, in a request for proposal document sent out late last week to over 400 online publishers and networks.  According to the documents, Jetsetter, 27, lives in Los Angeles, but travels frequently to New York and Las Vegas, where his $120,000 annual income allows him to hit the clubs with his friends, while Saver, 25, buys her organic groceries at Trader Joe’s instead of Whole Foods to save money for her twice-yearly vacations.  The revelation has privacy advocates up in arms.  ”I can’t believe they would release such personal info on their fictional customers like that,” said Helen Humorless of the Consumer Protection Agency.  ”Just because they’re a gross generalization of audience segments meant to oversimplify things so marketers can convince themselves they understand them, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve their right to privacy.  Virgin will be hearing from our lawyers at Larry Litigious & Associates.”

Leading social network Facebook successfully sold personably identifiable data, a fitted camouflage Braves hat, and a pair of limited edition Air Force One DJ Clark Kent sneakers belonging to one of their users sometime last week, according to complaints filed with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department Monday.  The items, previously belonging to 24-year-old Douglasville resident Rodney Boowinkle, were purchased by an unidentified advertiser for $65 under a user targeting agreement facilitated by Facebook’s hotly contested and expertly hidden user privacy policy.  According to paragraph 6,782,423 of the privacy policy, Facebook “may disclose, dispose of, or sell any data, belongings, or immediate family members” of any of its users.  ”This shit is whack,” said Boowinkle.  ”Those were mid-top Air Force One’s in the original colorway.  How am I gonna find me some of them now?”

Fresh off the heels of releasing their Open Graph Platform, which has drawn the ire of lawmakers and privacy advocates, Facebook announced the release of its new OpenPassword feature, which automatically releases password information, social security numbers and complete dating histories of its users to any person, entity or hacker that requests it.  The new feature, announced yesterday and quietly released 6 weeks ago, will allow critical information to travel more freely and efficiently across the Web, according to Facebook founder and privacy adversary Mark Zuckerberg.  ”We live in an openly social world,” said Zuckerberg, “so why not share the information that people really want to know?  I think our users will really like it once they get used to it.  If they don’t, we’ll just sell their bank account numbers to Phil in Lagos, Nigeria.  Or their estranged exes.”

In an effort to stem the tide of recent user privacy concerns of Internet users, politicians, and privacy activist groups, popular search engine and prime GDP contributor Google filed a patent application with the US Patent Office Tuesday seeking to own the concept of privacy outright.  According to the filing, which was entered under the Accelerated Examination Program, Google seeks to rewrite the definition of privacy both on and offline to allow “any use of personal user data that maximizes revenue for Google, its subsidiaries, or its friends and family.”  ”This was an easy decision, really,” said Google co-founder and yacht-owner Sergey Brin.  ”With all the conversation and speculation over online privacy issues and where it’s going, it made sense for us to own the concept of privacy outright.  That way we control the conversation, much like how we control what 70% of people find on the Internet when they search for ‘Justin Bieber.’  Because frankly, we can’t let a totalitarian regime like China or the FCC control something as important to the citizens of the world as our profits.”

A quick search for restaurants near the West Los Angeles apartment of Jenni Whitfield in Google Street View mode Tuesday afternoon revealed that Jake Hanson, the media buyer’s live-in boyfriend, had indeed left the toilet set up again earlier in the day.  According to sources close to the scene, the 26-year-old had long suspected her boyfriend as the culprit, but until logging into the 360-degree photo-based mapping service, didn’t have the evidence she needed.  ”Omigod, I totally knew it!” said Whitfield.  ”He always tries to blame me and I’m like ‘why would I leave the toilet seat up?  Hellooooo, I’m the only girl in the apartment.’  He is so on dish duty when I get home.”  Further searches within Street View revealed the whereabouts of Whitfield’s lost earring, her pink rhinestone Blackberry case, and a full view of her black CoCo de Mer whispering chemise.  ”Okay, this just turned from cool to creepy, like, really fast,” added Whitfield.

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”

Junior Account Coordinator Peter Pantswaist was reportedly alerted about the unzipped fly on his jeans Monday afternoon by information aggregation service Google Dashboard, as he logged in to review his privacy settings.  According to Google Dashboard, which tracks Pantwaist’s personal online data and account settings, the fly became unzipped between Pantwaist’s email to Lindsay in HR and his trip to the company restroom.  ”It’s a little creepy, to be honest,” said Pantswaist.  ”On one hand, I’m grateful that it helped me avoid a potentially embarrassing situation, but on the other hand, Google can see that my pants are unzipped.  I mean, the whole purpose of Dashboard was to create transparency about the data they collect on me and give me some control on how it’s used.  But for some reason, I’m even more uncomfortable now than I was before.”  Dashboard also reminded Pantswaist that he forgot to pay his cable bill and that he missed his rearmost upper right molar while brushing his teeth earlier that morning.