ColemanMedia Report

Following in the footsteps of several recent high-profile and incomprehensible re-branding announcements, annoyingly persistent ad network ExactoClick announced Monday that it is re-branding itself ExactlyClick, to more accurately reflect its ever-evolving suite of services. “We needed a brand with real staying power that really reflected what we do as a company,” said ExactlyClick CEO Joey O’Brien. “And what we do is exactly the same thing the other 400 or so networks do, so ExactlyClick was naturally a great fit. I realize we had built up zero brand equity with our previous name, but really, what new media company keeps the same name for more 2 years now anyway? Besides, it’s a great way to set new meetings with agencies who have already reviewed and rejected our proposals. We change our name, assign a new rep, and viola! We’re back in the door!”

A study released by the Foundation For Needlessly Speculative Journalism last week revealed that over 6 million man hours of work in the advertising industry alone have been wasted in October by reading Mediapost and Ad Age articles about imaginary mergers and acquisitions within the media space. The articles, which focus largely on speculative mergers like those between faltering portals AOL and Yahoo!, and potential acquisitions by media giant Google, have tripled in recent weeks, according to the report. “Speculative journalism is nothing new to the ad industry,” said media watchdog Clive Biegelstein. “But this is getting ridiculous. Over 60,000 words were published yesterday about news that hasn’t even happened yet, and probably never will. It’s like professional trade media has nothing real to report on, so they just make up the news. I mean, really, people, this isn’t CNN or FOX.”

A follow-up email from ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Simon Dippshitz was received by the Outlook inbox of Media Director Gail Saintworthy at approximately 11:42 a.m. on Labor Day Monday, according to mail server logs at the Santa Monica offices of Butler, Shine, and Daniel Stern. The email, which inquired if Saintworthy had had a chance to review the unsolicited proposal sent at 4:52 p.m. the previous Friday, was the only non-automated email to arrive during the ubiquitously observed holiday. According to Saintworthy, who reviewed the email Tuesday morning, the email also inquired about her availability Monday afternoon to go over any questions she might have about the proposal. “Really?!” exclaimed Saintworthy. “Does it ever stop? Don’t people realize that media planners have a job to do? I mean we don’t just sit around waiting for sales people to send us half-baked ideas that we’re supposed to act on “right away.’ We have clients for that.”

Just hours after Wired Magazine made its now infamous proclamation – made in part on their Web site – officials with the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office confirmed that the Internet died sometime before noon last Tuesday, leaving nearly 2 million online marketers, webmasters, designers and programmers out of a job, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. The death, officially caused by acute disbelief according to the Coroner’s report, has economists and media watchdogs in a near state of panic. “This is the worst news we’ve ever heard,” said Tommy Gnoasital of popular online news site Mashed. “Usually these kinds of self-serving, nonsensical predictions are just that: bullshit predictions. I mean, how long have people been claiming that ‘TV is dead,’ or that ‘newspapers are dead,’ or that ‘MySpace is dead?’ What’s next? Smartphones? Porn? I better go change my passwords.” When asked about where the information for the prediction came from, an editor at Wired said only: “You see that money you’re carrying around in your pocket? It’s worthless. The whole concept of money will cease to exist by January.”

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding.  The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman.  ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman.  ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof.  Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%.  The client couldn’t be happier.  Eh, who am I kidding?  The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months.  At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”

Sources with close ties to both companies reported Tuesday afternoon that popular social network and rising Imperial power Facebook loaned moribund content portal AOL $10 a few minutes before lunchtime earlier that day. According to the sources, who asked to remain unnamed, the $10 was promptly spent on a chicken burrito bowl with guacamole and corn salsa and a medium drink at a nearby Chipotle. The transaction has online media gossip mavens chomping at the bits. “Clearly this is Facebook’s first real foray into the content aggregation business,” said Kara Shushit of the confoundingly popular online column All Things Presumed. “Just look at it: AOL has all this content that no one sees, and Facebook has all these people that never actually see each other in person. It’s a match made in heaven.” Officials with AOL could not be reached for comment as their phones were down, but a spokesman for Facebook said, “AOL didn’t have any cash and left its ATM card at home, so we loaned it some lunch money. I really don’t see what the big deal is here.”

Western Regional Sales Director Steven Jennings received a written response Tuesday morning to an email and two voicemails left with then junior media planner Ryan Sexton in March of 2003, according to server logs at Clickety Click Networks.  The response, sent seven years after the original correspondence began, denied Jennings’ request for a meeting to discuss Sexton’s client’s goals and objectives, but thanked him for reaching out.  Still, Jennings remains optimistic.  ”Oh this is definitely a foot in the door,” said Jennings.  ”Media planners never return calls, and when they do, it’s usually a canned response, clearly demonstrating they didn’t even read your email.  It may have taken him seven years, but Ryan actually took the time to tell me he was too busy to meet.  If that’s not a hot lead, I don’t know what is.  I’m gonna have to drop by his office with a Starbucks card or something.”

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”