ColemanMedia Report

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”

Adaptive Brand Marketing and sophisticated predictive modeling algorithms failed to foresee the paper cut suffered by Senior Media Buyer Seth Fogelberg early Tuesday while reviewing impression delivery reports, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Fogelberg, who employed the forward-thinking marketing tactics after attending a CMO round table discussion at Ad:Tech NY last week, expressed disappointment that predictive modeling hasn’t predicted much of anything.  ”I think all this ‘adaptive marketing’ fluff might just be a huge load of BS,” said Fogelberg.  ”None of this stuff has predicted what our target customers will do, how many times my client will change their minds at the last possible minute, or who’s gonna take the lead in my fantasy league this week.  They also failed to warn me about how freaking hot my coffee was this morning.  Worthless!”