ColemanMedia Report

Western Regional Sales Director Tricia McNeedy of Adnoyance left a voice message and a follow up email at approximately 11:52 a.m. Tuesday morning, checking in to make sure you had read and received the introduction email she sent approximately 28 minutes prior.  The follow-up email, which contained a forwarded copy of the original email, reminds you of her original request to set up an in-person meeting either tomorrow or Thursday and expressed concern that you have not yet replied to her original email.  According to McNeedy, it’s important that this meeting take place in the very near future, so that she may learn about your client’s goals and objectives and so you can take advantage of some exceptional pricing discounts that won’t last long. McNeedy reportedly understands your busy schedule, and promises to only take 30-40 minutes of your time.  And if you have any further questions, she is more than willing to schedule a follow-up meeting, especially next Tuesday, when her VP of Sales is in town.

In preparation for their imminent departure with Time Warner, long-standing portal and flailing content aggregator AOL announced early Tuesday that it will be cutting the “A” from its name to allow it to focus more on it’s core business of slowly fading into online oblivion.  The move, which will go along with layoffs and a major shakeup of leadership, will reportedly save the company more than $30 million this quarter, making it a much more attractive acquisition target for another hapless media conglomerate.  ”We knew we had to cut, and we had to cut deep,” said CEO Tim Armstrong.  ”And the choice to cut the ‘A’ was the most obvious.  I mean, most of America doesn’t use us anymore, and 90% of Americans under 18 don’t even know who we are, so it was kind of a no-brainer.  Now we can focus solely on the online portion of our business, which we define as operating dying properties or services that Google or someone else has already effectively replaced.”

A complaint lodged by Western Regional VP of Sales Vince Chillini Monday afternoon accused junior media planner Judy Wittenmeier of comparing “apples to oranges” when justifying her selection of rival behavioral ad network SpyBot over CookieCutter Networks, according witnesses at the scene.  ”You can’t possibly make a comparison between SpyBot and CookieCutter,” Chillini said in an email to Wittenmeier.  ”CookieCutter uses a proprietary formula of complex algorithms and automatic back-end optimization that’s so advanced, I don’t even know how it works.  And as far as I can tell, neither does our ad operations team.  But it’s clearly outlined on slide 26 of my PowerPoint, so it has to be true.”  Wittenmeier wasn’t available for comment, but a planner on Wittenmeier’s team, who asked to remain anonymous said, “He can’t be serious, right?”

After recording a record 622 million sales calls and emails to ad agencies and marketing departments in the first 12 days of the month, the Internet Advertising Bureau officially declared October National Ad Sales Month.   The industry organization, which monitors online marketing and sales activity, awarded the label to October due to a 4,727% increase in sales calls and emails from the prior month.  ”The numbers are out of this world,” said Jerry Van Winklesmith, a researcher with the IAB.  ”A property crime is committed approximately every 3 seconds in the United States.  In those 3 seconds, ad agencies across the country were hit with 722.3 sales calls and emails asking about Q4 plans.  So, like we always do in this industry, we put a positive spin on a ridiculous situation, slap a label on it, and send two weeks worth of emails around that theme.”  The IAB plans to celebrate the occasion by hosting a two-day conference on how to manage sales calls.

A Study released Tuesday by the Foundation for Misguided Ad Projections revealed that 6 out of 10 media buyers, when surveyed about their predictions for Q4 ad budget growth or contraction, responded by asking: “Is it Friday yet?”  The study, which is meant to gauge the health of the ad industry in the eyes of industry insiders, also revealed that 5 out of 10 media buyers responded with “what’s this call about again?” and 2 in 10 buyers asked “are you going to finish that bagel?”  ”The results were right in line with our expectations,” said Hans Brinklehaufer of FMAP.  ”Media buyers can’t be bothered with details like what their quarterly budgets are or what their client’s objectives are.  They have more important issues to address, like where they’re going to meet for lunch.  Besides, we make the forecasts up anyway.  It’s not like anyone reads them.”

ASE Certified Mechanic Lou “Boom Boom” Damiano informed the Internet Advertising Bureau early Monday afternoon that in order to fix online display advertising, he would need to install completely new brakes, rotors, and pads, along with other “minor” repairs.  Online display advertising, which has been “making a funny sound for some time now,” according to representatives with the IAB, has been beset recently by reports of falling CPMs, dwindling creative, and an over-burdened planning process.  ”You hear that hissing sound?” said Damiano.  ”That’s probably where your CPMs are leaking out.  I can fix it no problem, but I’ll need to take the manifold apart, replace two piston seals and a head gasket.  And while I’m down there, I really should take a look at the tranny.”  Damiano estimated that he should have online display advertising up and running in two weeks, three weeks max if he has to wait for parts.

Night Custodian Lauro Castaneda of the Richards Group scheduled a meeting Tuesday afternoon with ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Thomas Knowschaim after Knowschaim’s repeated attempts to meet with Richards Group media team members failed to bear fruit.  According to witnesses at the scene, Knowschaim admits that Castaneda isn’t the ideal audience for his pitch, but insists that he just needs to “get in front of someone, anyone at the agency.”  ”Look,” Knowschaim said, “all I need is 20 minutes of your time, and you’ll be so blown away at how perfect my proposal is for your client that you’ll want to sign right then and there.”  Castaneda, who has limited media buying experience, reportedly took the meeting as a courtesy.  ”I really don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Castaneda.  ”But he promised to bring in cupcakes, and I usually get kind of hungry in the afternoon, so I figure it’s a win-win.”

Director of Sales Chase Lively read an article about the launch of junior media planner Julia Postlethwaite’s latest online campaign early Tuesday, and is certain that his ad network, AdNauseum, can provide Postlethwaite’s client with millions of “highly-targeted, highly engaged eyeballs” that will “definitely help her campaign beat its KPI’s.”  According to witnesses at the scene, Lively became the 25th sales representative to contact Postlethwaite since the article broke, at least 14 days into a 21-day campaign.  ”Why do people feel compelled to contact me about a campaign that already launched?” said an exasperated Postlethwaite. “I mean, the campaign launched two weeks ago.  What makes them think there’s still an opportunity!?”  Lively reportedly added that he would be happy send a proposal for any “incremental dollars” and would “prove to [Postlethwaite] just how effective his network is” if she could “just find some testing budget or cancel one of your current placements.”

The increasingly fragmented media landscape claimed yet another victim late Monday when a stray audience fragment became lodged in the keyboard of Senior Media Planner Kara Kelleher, preventing her from finishing her campaign performance report.  According to Kelleher, the fragment, identified later as the avid MMOG cross-dressing gaming segment of the highly sought after, but elusive M18-34 demographic, lodged itself underneath Kelleher’s “a” key and “caps lock” key, “totally screwing up” her engagement formula in cell L24.  ”It’s hard enough that we have to keep track of 100,000 web sites, 400 TV channels, and God knows how many mobile marketing companies,” said Kelleher.  ”But now audience fragments fall out of the freaking sky onto my desk, and make it so I can’t even finish my report, and make it seem like I’m shouting ‘aaaaaaa’ to Karen over IM.”

Senior Online Media Planner Jed Blakely launched what many industry insiders are calling the first RFP rejection hotline early Monday after receiving nearly 67 proposals for a local online branding campaign for Joe’s Pizza, a local Manhattan pizza chain.  The hotline, which according to Blakely was inspired by a phone number given to him by a young woman from Hackensack Saturday evening, delivers several pre-recorded messages that inform sales reps why their proposal(s) did not make the media plan.  ”I can’t possibly be expected to actually give feedback to people who didn’t make the plan,” said Blakely.  ”So this is my way of at least getting back to them.  I just email them the number disguised as a conference call-in number, and let the recordings to the rest.  That way I have time to manage my fantasy football team.”  Messages on the recording site “it’s not you, it’s me” and “your site’s just not my client’s type” as reasons for not making a plan.