ColemanMedia Report

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

A study released earlier this morning by the U.S. Department of Labor revealed that from Wednesday, March 17th to Tuesday, March 22nd, the total hours spent filling out and monitoring progress of NCAA Tournament brackets in the workplace outpaced the actual hours of work.  According to the study, approximately 752 million man-hours of work were dedicated to NCAA pools, while a total of 62 hours were dedicated to actual work duties during the same time period.  ”While the numbers may seem shocking out of context,” said researcher Richard Lafever, who oversaw the study, “they’re really nothing to be worried about.  We see the same thing every year: worker productivity always takes a nosedive during the first week of March Madness.  What’s shocking about this year is that Kansas didn’t even make it into the Sweet 16.  If they had won out, I’d be a lock for the Xbox 360, but instead I have to rely on Kentucky beating red-hot Cornell in order to even have a prayer of beating Jim in Finance.”

Several employees at the Chicago office of Sedentary.com confirmed late Tuesday that after only two days back in the office, the exuberant New Year’s optimism of Midwest Sales Manager Rodney Postlethwaite has already turned from inspiring to “annoyingly unbearable.”  According to his co-workers, Postlethwaite, widely considered an extrovert, has continually expressed his unbridled hopefulness in and extolled the boundless possibilities of the New Year.  ”I get it.  It’s a new year,” said traffic manager Janice Richenbacher.  ”We’re supposed to make resolutions and big changes.  But if I have to hear one more time how he’s ready to tackle the New Year, or turn this sinking ship around, or post the biggest Q1 numbers in the history of the company, I’m gonna puke.  I mean, nothing has actually changed since last month aside from a new calendar.  We’re still in a pretty difficult sales climate, and his breath still smells a helluva lot like coffee and Rolaids.”

Junior media buyer Greg Abernathy, scheduled to leave for vacation next Friday, began responding to project requests with verbal out of office replies early Monday, according to several sources at the San Francisco office of Goodbar, Silverstein & Partners.  Abernathy, who has reportedly been talking up his planned South American trip for weeks, responded verbally to a meeting request by saying “You’ve reached the desk of Greg Abernathy.  I will be out of the office on vacation starting Monday, December 21st.  If you have a project or request that requires immediate attention, please give it to someone who’s not busy getting ready for their trip to Punte del Este.”  After co-workers reminded Abernathy that he was sitting right there, Abernathy reportedly responded by saying, “I will have no access to email or phone messages, but if you leave a message, I will attempt to respond upon my return,” before going to the break room to get coffee.

Representatives of the IT department in the Little Rock office of Klein, Barter, & Schnook confirmed reports from several co-workers that junior account planner Ryan McBrubin was caught “Twooping” at approximately 10:15 a.m. local time.  According to company log files, McBrubin posted two Twitter updates from his Blackberry Pearl while using the company restroom on the third floor.  ”We suspected for some time that McBrubin might be texting while using the restroom,” said IT manager Richard Rhindglass.  ”But when he sent two Tweets about a song playing over our intercom radio, our worst fears were confirmed.  As a company, we don’t have an official policy against Twooping, but as a person – even an IT guy – I think it’s just plain gross.  I won’t be answering Ryan’s phone if it rings, that’s for sure.”  Ed. Note: Junior Commode Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.