ColemanMedia Report

Erstwhile online social network and stalking ground MySpace quietly announced a complete re-launch last week, according to the six reporters that attended a press conference led by CEO Mike Jones. The forgotten social network reportedly re-tooled itself to be an entertainment portal where users can find and consume music, video, and gossip, prompting many media pundits to say: “wait, MySpace is still around?” “No f*cking way!” said Jamichael Carrington of popular online blog TechCrunchBerries. “MySpace is still in business? I wonder if I still have a profile over there. I don’t even know how I’d check, though. I mean, I have no clue what my user name was. Wow, this is far out!” In a related story, a 122-year-old Coast Redwood tree fell in a remote area just south of Spring Lake in Sequoia National Park, according to the National Audobon Society. The exact time of the fall is not known.

Box Office Mojo and the Center for Unusually Shameless Puns reported early Monday that Sony Pictures’ quasi-controversial movie The Social Network reached profitability nearly 257 times faster than any actual social network in existence. The $50-milllion movie, which chronicles the fictionalized story of Mark Zuckerberg during the founding of Facebook, brought in $80 million in under 3 weeks, a far cry from the 5 years it took its namesake to reach profitability. “The Social Network‘s earnings are just incredible,” said Erik von Snideowitz from popular social blog Mashable. “If we compare its time to profit to, say, that of Facebook or MySpace, one could conservatively value it at approximately $800 billion by 2014. More optimistic projections value it at 2.4 trillion, or enough to pay off nearly 1/6th of the national debt.” Snideowitz’s projections have been challenged by many in the media and entertainment industries, however. “If The Social Network grosses anything close to Avatar,” said famed director and megalomaniac James Cameron, “I’ll personally see to it that Fincher never works in this town again.”

Just hours after Wired Magazine made its now infamous proclamation – made in part on their Web site – officials with the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office confirmed that the Internet died sometime before noon last Tuesday, leaving nearly 2 million online marketers, webmasters, designers and programmers out of a job, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. The death, officially caused by acute disbelief according to the Coroner’s report, has economists and media watchdogs in a near state of panic. “This is the worst news we’ve ever heard,” said Tommy Gnoasital of popular online news site Mashed. “Usually these kinds of self-serving, nonsensical predictions are just that: bullshit predictions. I mean, how long have people been claiming that ‘TV is dead,’ or that ‘newspapers are dead,’ or that ‘MySpace is dead?’ What’s next? Smartphones? Porn? I better go change my passwords.” When asked about where the information for the prediction came from, an editor at Wired said only: “You see that money you’re carrying around in your pocket? It’s worthless. The whole concept of money will cease to exist by January.”

The Central Intelligence Agency announced late Friday that a new technology contract will allow the agency to instantly track criminals, suspects and ex-girlfriends within popular social networks Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter.  The contract, with Seattle-based Visible Technologies, will allow agents to track any and all social networking activity of “persons of interest” secretely – without logging in or revealing their identities.  ”This is a huge leap forward in allowing us to stalk ex-girlfriends,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.  ”Before we had to log in and send friend requests to find out what they were up to.  Most of the time they would just ignore or deny us.  But now I can track Peggy, Donna, and Gladys Steinberg without them knowing, and find out if they really hooked up with Kevin from senior gym class.”  Financial details of the contract were not released, but Panetta characterized the cost as “totally worth it.”