ColemanMedia Report

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction.  Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack.  ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill.  In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville.  So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

The United States Department of Justice revealed a complex and sophisticated plot by the nation’s Smartphones at a press conference Monday afternoon, charging the devices with attempting to not only take over wireless Internet browsing from laptop computers, but to ultimately enslave the entire nation into an unnecessarily expensive and connected lifestyle.  According to officials, the plot includes detailed plans to convince Smartphone users that it’s necessary to continuously update their location, activities, opinions, and irritations to a global network of other Smartphone users with text, photos, videos and nearly indecipherable icons.  ”We’re very lucky we caught this when we did,” said Lt. JT Smackhouser.  ”This could have very easily resulted in an entire nation of people eschewing actual human interaction to update their virtual contacts at a personal cost of billions of dollars per year.  Now that we’ve pulled the cover off this thing, people can go back to buying their groceries without being an inconsiderate prick in the checkout line.”

A study released Wednesday by the Center for Mobile Media Measurement & Malfeasance revealed that with the launch of the Mo-Bile Ad Network, mobile media companies now outnumber actual mobile phone users in the United States by a margin of nearly 2-to-1.  According to the study, over 52 million mobile ad sales organizations have been launched in the last six months alone, generating more sales emails and voice mails than text messages sent by 12-17 year-olds in the last 2 years.  ”The numbers far exceeded our wildest imagination,” said research director Chip Hollenbeck.  ”There are now approximately 1.7 companies offering SMS, display and in-application mobile advertisers for every active cell phone user in the United States.  And if you work at an advertising agency, chances are they’ve already called you an average of 16.3 times this week alone.”

The Federal Communications Commission confirmed early Tuesday that Yonkers, NY resident and iPhone user Kevin Strumbacher successfully completed a 22-minute mobile phone call on his Apple iPhone 3GS.  According to records released by AT&T, the 25-year-old Public Relations assistant spoke, uninterrupted, to his friend Jimmy for 22 minutes and 31 seconds about whether or not Brooklyn Decker is hotter than Marissa Miller.  ”This is clearly a red-letter date,” said Brock Lichtenberg of mobile data tracking company SmartPhones, DumbUsers.  ”We haven’t recorded an iPhone call longer than 7 minutes in well over 3 years.  And to see a call longer than 20 minutes being ended voluntarily by the user, well, I’m just speechless.  And to think that an iPhone call ended with someone saying ‘Later, man’ instead of ‘Hello?  Hello!?’ makes my year, frankly.”  Unfortunately the long calls did not last.  Records show Strumbacher’s subsequent 256 conversations ended prematurely.

Only days after the much ballyhooed and bewildering launch of social media tool Google Buzz, search giant and political lobbyist Google has announced the upcoming launch of “UsToo,” a new platform that will allow the media conglomerate to quickly and underwhelmingly copy virtually any popular social, mobile or web application.  According to the announcement, “UsToo” will give Google the flexibility to release confusing and relatively useless applications that mirror whatever the hottest new future trend may be.  ”We learned a lot from Buzz,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”We were late to the game with a social sharing tool that quite simply, even we didn’t understand.  With ‘UsToo’ we’ll no longer be late.  We’ll be nimble enough to release perplexingly forgettable applications almost immediately after a far better version of it becomes popular with the general public.  Because, quite frankly, I’m getting bored of running an immensely profitable search engine.”