ColemanMedia Report

In yet another tough break for device-challenged Microsoft, reports surfaced early Tuesday morning that only six weeks after launching it, the software giant dropped its Kin “social” phone Monday evening, cracking the screen and rendering the device useless. According to witnesses at the scene, Microsoft dropped the non-smartphone – only one of seven sold in the United States – on Carol’s kitchen floor while at a Windows 7 Launch Party, sending plastic and glass pieces scattering across Carol’s kitchen.  ”We’re devastated,” said a representative from Microsoft.  ”All of our friend’s phone numbers were on that phone, so now we have to Facebook everyone and ask for them again.  We’re kicking ourselves for not getting the insurance.  Oh well, at least I can put out a “missed connections” ad on Craig’s List and get the number of that cute girl at Carol’s party again.”

In an unexpected response to Google’s highly-publicized announcement earlier this week, software giant Microsoft announced Wednesday morning that it too will cease using Windows software and operating system at its 135 corporate office locations around the globe.  The move, which took many industry experts by surprise, is purportedly Microsoft’s attempt to use reverse psychology to increase sales of its beleaguered software products.  ”Look, we know Microsoft is about as cool and forward-thinking as your grandma’s wardrobe,” said COO Kevin Turner.  ”So if we say that we’re not going to use our own products anymore, that should make them that much cooler by disassociation.  Plus, they really do have too many security holes.  People kept hacking into Steve [Ballmer]’s Facebook account and updating his status to claim that he could ’smoke’ Steve Jobs in beer pong.  Which we all know is not true.”

Only hours after identifying a security hole in Microsoft’s Internet Explorer browser as the culprit in last week’s cyber attack on Google, software maker McAfee verified that the same security hole enabled computer hackers to steal the wallet of 34-year-old Douglas Haberdasher of Lakeville, Minnesota.  According to police reports, the cyber thief was able to fit his or her hand through the security hole and remove Haberdasher’s tri-fold wallet from his American Eagle relaxed jeans pocket.  McAfee officials have reportedly known about the security hole for months and claim that Microsoft has not responded to multiple notices about the issue.  ”It’s really sad that it has to come to this before people really take notice,” said James McAfee, night shift security officer at McAfee.  ”I mean Google leaving China is one thing, but this guy was one purchase away from a free Eggs-In-The-Basket on his Cracker Barrel loyalty card.  How many more casualties do we need before Microsoft does something to prevent this?”

The entire continental United States air traffic control system was brought to a halt Sunday morning just minutes after the Federal Aviation Administration completed an upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7, according to a press release issued by the agency Monday.  According to release, the decision to upgrade was made after watching 2 months’ worth of Windows 7 and Apple commercials on CNN.  ”So we may be a little late to the game,” said operations director Annabelle Crumbsworth.  ”I mean, we are a government agency.  But let’s be honest, that Mac guy is a little bit smug.  I’ve always wanted to see the look on his face when the PC guy finally upstages him, and Windows 7 looked like the first legitimate chance.  But after installing it and having the entire flight plan system shut down on me, I can say with confidence that I am not a PC, and Windows 7 was not my idea.  Okay, so maybe the idea to install it was.”

Despite reporting better than expected search revenue figures and a rosy outlook on the future of online advertising, Google announced last week that it will be laying off up to 2,500 search engine spiders by the end of its fiscal quarter, ending in January.  According to officials at Google, the move is intended to help the media giant trim expenses and slow down the speed of search results.  ”For a long time we’ve been focused on constantly improving how people find or experience information on the Internet,” said Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin.  ”It’s time we focused on making more money.  You think Microsoft makes money by making things better?  C’mon.  They make money by force-feeding mediocre products to consumers using the leanest operation possible.  Cutting some spiders will help us do just that.”  Officials with Google report that they will first solicit volunteer spiders willing to retire early with generous severance packages, then forcefully lay off the rest.