ColemanMedia Report

A 10-minute media satisfaction survey taken Monday by Senior Media Director Rick Arbaugh lasted nearly sixteen hours, according to several witnesses in the Los Angeles office of media giant OMG. The survey, commissioned by popular video site YouStream.com, reportedly trapped Arbaugh for 15 hours and 48 minutes with a promise of a “10-minute” survey, only to reveal 846 questions, many of which required a minimum 250-word essay answer. “It was so misleading,” said Arbaugh, who suffered from acute dehydration after completing the survey, according to paramedics who treated him at the scene. “After each question, it said ‘You’re almost done! Just a few more questions!’ Here I was thinking I was doing them a favor by offering some valuable feedback in exchange for a little bit of my time. Now I’m 12 pounds lighter, I missed my kid’s DJ Hero recital, and I have to carry around an I.V. for three days. Never again, man. Never again.”

Trendy discount airline of-the-moment Virgin America revealed the identities of their target customers, Jimmy Jetsetter and Sally Saver, in a request for proposal document sent out late last week to over 400 online publishers and networks.  According to the documents, Jetsetter, 27, lives in Los Angeles, but travels frequently to New York and Las Vegas, where his $120,000 annual income allows him to hit the clubs with his friends, while Saver, 25, buys her organic groceries at Trader Joe’s instead of Whole Foods to save money for her twice-yearly vacations.  The revelation has privacy advocates up in arms.  ”I can’t believe they would release such personal info on their fictional customers like that,” said Helen Humorless of the Consumer Protection Agency.  ”Just because they’re a gross generalization of audience segments meant to oversimplify things so marketers can convince themselves they understand them, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve their right to privacy.  Virgin will be hearing from our lawyers at Larry Litigious & Associates.”

A report issued early Tuesday by online media measurement firm comScore revealed that 2,572 separate video networks tied for the coveted top spot for December 2009, according to comScore’s new Digital Advertising Return To Basics On Average Relevant Dealio (darTBoarD) measurement standard.  The new standard, which takes into account audience size, video completion rate, and sales PowerPoint slides, ranked all 2,572 video networks as #1 with your desired key demographic.  ”These results are solid,” said David Bates, Director of Research and Other Useless Stats at comScore.  ”Not only do they show that each network is indeed #1, but they clearly demonstrate that pretty much anything you want to purport as fact is true so long as you have enough screenshots.”  A planner at Epicenter Media, who declined to be identified for fear of losing her spa privileges, responded ambivalently to the report by asking: “What’s a comScore?”

A Study released Tuesday by the Foundation for Misguided Ad Projections revealed that 6 out of 10 media buyers, when surveyed about their predictions for Q4 ad budget growth or contraction, responded by asking: “Is it Friday yet?”  The study, which is meant to gauge the health of the ad industry in the eyes of industry insiders, also revealed that 5 out of 10 media buyers responded with “what’s this call about again?” and 2 in 10 buyers asked “are you going to finish that bagel?”  ”The results were right in line with our expectations,” said Hans Brinklehaufer of FMAP.  ”Media buyers can’t be bothered with details like what their quarterly budgets are or what their client’s objectives are.  They have more important issues to address, like where they’re going to meet for lunch.  Besides, we make the forecasts up anyway.  It’s not like anyone reads them.”