ColemanMedia Report

An underperforming online media plan for Visa was successfully optimized late last week at the Chicago office of TWBA/Chiat/Day by using only “magic” soccer spray, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The plan, which had been under-delivering by 22%, and experiencing less than stellar click through rates, immediately recovered from a seemingly innocuous injury after being exposed to a short burst of the spray.  ”I’m still in shock,” said junior media planner Jared Wainsbridge. “We had tried everything: introducing new sites, renegotiating rates, and nothing.  Then Raoul from programming whips this out of his gym bag and suddenly everything’s up and running.  Ten minutes ago I would have called bullshit, but now I’m a believer.  I don’t know what’s in that stuff, but I’m spraying a little on next time we hit up O’Shea’s for Happy Hour.”  Ed. Note: Senor South American Soccer Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

Midwest Director of Sales Marty Shiftbody of AdNausea didn’t mean to step on anybody’s toes by contacting the client directly, according to a voice message left with Junior Media Planner Jody McAckerby late Tuesday morning.  Shiftbody left the voicemail 37 seconds after the client responded to his meeting request via email – copying McAckerby – and approximately 32 minutes after first reaching out to McAckerby via email, according to server logs at the Chicago office of the Phelps Agency.  ”Is this guy serious?” asked McAckerby.  ”He emails me a half hour ago while I’m in a meeting, and he’s already complaining to the client that our agency is ‘unresponsive’ and doing them a ‘disservice by not accepting his meeting requests?’  Uh, news flash, dude.  Your passive aggressive sales schtick is right there in the forwarded email.  Now it’s my turn.  Delete.”

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”

The increasingly fragmented media landscape claimed yet another victim late Monday when a stray audience fragment became lodged in the keyboard of Senior Media Planner Kara Kelleher, preventing her from finishing her campaign performance report.  According to Kelleher, the fragment, identified later as the avid MMOG cross-dressing gaming segment of the highly sought after, but elusive M18-34 demographic, lodged itself underneath Kelleher’s “a” key and “caps lock” key, “totally screwing up” her engagement formula in cell L24.  ”It’s hard enough that we have to keep track of 100,000 web sites, 400 TV channels, and God knows how many mobile marketing companies,” said Kelleher.  ”But now audience fragments fall out of the freaking sky onto my desk, and make it so I can’t even finish my report, and make it seem like I’m shouting ‘aaaaaaa’ to Karen over IM.”