ColemanMedia Report

A study released by the Center for the Media, Journalism, and Intelligence this morning revealed that exposure to Bravo’s unscripted TV series The Real Housewives of Orange County has lowered the collective I.Q. of the entire country by 32.9%, despite only reaching 2.3 million viewers during its Season 2 premiere.  According to the study, the “brain drain” affect of the show reaches well beyond those actually exposed to the show.  ”The numbers are alarming, but certainly not surprising,” said researcher Kevin Danalbe.  ”We found that 1-2 exposures to the show itself produced a 63.1% drop in I.Q., while inadvertently overhearing even 20 seconds of ‘watercooler talk’ about the show reduced I.Q. by almost 12%.  And people who could name Chris Manzo’s 10 requirements for being a ‘Man’ actually demonstrated negative I.Q.”  The study has many advertisers excited.  ”Stupid people are 30% more likely to buy stuff they don’t need,” said one advertiser.  ”And we’re definitely in the business of selling people stuff they don’t need.”

A study released late last week by the Center for Environmental Irony revealed that the carbon footprint of media coverage of commercial and industrial environmental impact actually increases the total carbon footprint of mankind by approximately 25.3%.  According to the study, every occurrence of the words “carbon footprint” actually releases 2.3 metric tons of carbon monoxide, the gas widely believed to be at the root of global warming, into the atmosphere.  ”The results are quite shocking,” said Klaus Von Chimneyschwiep, a fellow with the CEI.  ”We always thought that reporting on the causes of global warming would have a net positive effect, but the exact opposite is true.  Every time the media reports on the environmental impact of something, they actually make that impact 2.4 times worse on average.  In fact, simply by reporting these facts to you, two cute and cuddly kittens have suffocated to death on deadly toxic gases.”

Only days after talk show host and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be ending her syndicated talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show sometime in 2011, the Center for Media Studies released a statement predicting that the world as we know it will end approximately 72 hours after the last broadcast on CBS.  ”For 25 years, Oprah has been telling people what to read, what to buy and what to think,” said lead researcher Jahn Von Schmickelberg.  ”Without that guidance, most moms won’t know what to do or what to buy.  And with women controlling 85% of all brand purchases, markets will collapse, the economy will dissolve, and all we’ll be left with is Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd on The View.  It frightens me to even talk about it.”  Only one week after the announcement, sales of gas masks, bottled water, Twinkies, and James Frey novels skyrocketed.