ColemanMedia Report

A study released late last week by the Center for Environmental Irony revealed that the carbon footprint of media coverage of commercial and industrial environmental impact actually increases the total carbon footprint of mankind by approximately 25.3%.  According to the study, every occurrence of the words “carbon footprint” actually releases 2.3 metric tons of carbon monoxide, the gas widely believed to be at the root of global warming, into the atmosphere.  ”The results are quite shocking,” said Klaus Von Chimneyschwiep, a fellow with the CEI.  ”We always thought that reporting on the causes of global warming would have a net positive effect, but the exact opposite is true.  Every time the media reports on the environmental impact of something, they actually make that impact 2.4 times worse on average.  In fact, simply by reporting these facts to you, two cute and cuddly kittens have suffocated to death on deadly toxic gases.”

A study released early Monday by the Center for Speculative Media & Measurement revealed that only 5 days after the official announcement, online media coverage and chatter around Apple’s iPad tablet device has surpassed all media coverage of the January 12th earthquake near the Haitian capital city of Port-au-Prince.  According to the study, 622 million news stories, blog posts, & Twitter feeds flooded the world wide web during the first hour of the iPad news conference in San Francisco, quickly surpassing the number of news reports, text messages and celebrity outcries combined around the Haitian earthquake.  ”The instinctive spirit of coming to the aid of our fellow man during a humanitarian crisis is one thing,” said lead researcher Karl Von Schnitzengrubel, “but nothing captures the attention of our collective psyche like the announcement of a highly-anticipated and gratuitously nonessential gadget.  The announcement of the iPad is the single-largest collection of media events in modern history around a product that hasn’t even hit the shelves.”