ColemanMedia Report

The sudden and seemingly inexplicable deaths of thousands of birds over Arkansas and Louisiana over the last two days was revealed early this morning to be an organized protest by the Audobon Society against the annoyingly popular mobile game Angry Birds. The deaths, which occurred over Bette, AK and Pointe Coupee Parish, LA, and have religious zealots praying for salvation, were the Audobon Society’s not-so-subtle plea for people to stop playing the addicting game by Rovio on their iPhone and Android handsets. “Normally we don’t harm the animals we’re sworn to protect,” said Reginald Abernathy, Director for the Audobon Society, “but this has gotten out of control. Mothers are playing it instead of watching their kids, employees are playing it instead of working, and yesterday, I caught my 12-year-old son playing it in the shower. I don’t care how many birds we have to sacrifice. People need to stop playing this, and now. Wait, did you just get the 16th Golden Egg? I’ve been trying to do that for weeks!”

Citing the blind faith and unwavering conviction of its tens of millions of “fanboys” around the world, Cupertino-based computer and software maker Apple announced Tuesday morning that it has filed for religious tax exemption status with the Internal Revenue Service.  The filing, considered by many to be the first step in establishing itself as a recognized religion, came on the heels of a Texas A&M study that highlighted the “slavish adoration” of Apple’s dedicated fan base.  ”It’s secretly been part of the plan all along,” said Apple founder and aging poster boy Steve Jobs.  ”Our design and advertising are so mesmerizing, that we can make somewhat deeply-flawed products, and people will still buy them like it’s their last day on earth.  When you think about it that way, it really already is a religion.  So why not take advantage of the tax breaks?   Plus, once this goes through we’ll be able to sue all those iPhone bashers for religious discrimination.  Not feeling so good about posting that video now, are you, tinywatchproductions?”

Junior graphic interface designer and self-professed Apple “Fanboy” Larry Billows is already in line to buy an Apple iPad on its Saturday, April 3rd release date, according to several co-workers at the midtown Manhattan office of Bertlebaum, Bogle & Bumblebee.  Billows, who according to several accounts has been speaking about the release for weeks, entered the line at the Apple Store on 5th Avenue on Monday and has remained there loyally ever since.  ”I honestly don’t know what Larry sees in the iPad,” said co-worker Janice Blutowski.  ”It’s like a giant iPhone without the phone, or a bigger iPod Touch.  Why someone would take five vacation days to wait in line for it when he could just order it online and get it next week is beyond me.  But to be honest, I’m glad to have him out of the office.  He’s been blabbering about it for weeks.  I think I might take Monday off just so I don’t have to be the first person he shows it off to.”

The Federal Communications Commission confirmed early Tuesday that Yonkers, NY resident and iPhone user Kevin Strumbacher successfully completed a 22-minute mobile phone call on his Apple iPhone 3GS.  According to records released by AT&T, the 25-year-old Public Relations assistant spoke, uninterrupted, to his friend Jimmy for 22 minutes and 31 seconds about whether or not Brooklyn Decker is hotter than Marissa Miller.  ”This is clearly a red-letter date,” said Brock Lichtenberg of mobile data tracking company SmartPhones, DumbUsers.  ”We haven’t recorded an iPhone call longer than 7 minutes in well over 3 years.  And to see a call longer than 20 minutes being ended voluntarily by the user, well, I’m just speechless.  And to think that an iPhone call ended with someone saying ‘Later, man’ instead of ‘Hello?  Hello!?’ makes my year, frankly.”  Unfortunately the long calls did not last.  Records show Strumbacher’s subsequent 256 conversations ended prematurely.

Officials with the San Diego Center for Disease Control confirmed early Friday that a pandemic-level outbreak of Nerd Flu occurred in and around the San Diego Convention Center last week, potentially affecting thousands of victims.  Officials positively diagnosed over 542 known cases inside the annual Comic-Con International event, but fear that many more cases may go unreported.  The R2D2 strain is considered by many health officials to be far more dangerous than the H1N1 virus, as it can be easily and quickly transmitted via Facebook, Twitter, or SMS messages.  ”It’s especially communicable with jailbreaked iPhones using Skype or some other free service,” said SDCDC president Lars Van Winkle.  ”It’s important that people recognize the symptoms of Nerd Flu so that it can be treated in the early stages.  If you find yourself becoming overly giddy over Tron footage or a near-mint copy of Sandworms of Dune, you should immediately get yourself to the nearest Sports Bar.”  ED. NOTE: Senior Manga Field Reporter Greg Sher contributed to this report.