ColemanMedia Report

A report released late Monday by the Center for Media Prognostication predicts that as early as 2014, the common toothbrush could be the second or third-largest new media channel in the United States.  Citing the exponential acceptance of mobile advertising by marketers, and the proliferation of manual and electronic toothbrushes, senior media analyst Fred D. Loosienelle predicts that “it’s only a matter of time” before toothbrushes become the coveted “5th Screen,” outpacing radio and print ads.  ”I mean think about it,” said Loosienelle.  ”Everybody has one.  Most people are medium to heavy users, spending 3-10 minutes each day with the device.  People take them with them when they travel.  They’ve become an essential part of people’s lives.  It doesn’t make sense not to serve advertising on them.  Kindles?  Pssssh!  iPads?  Yeah right.  Toothbrushes are going to be the next big thing, you watch.”  Ed. Note: Senior Hygiene Correspondent Mike Ranshaw contributed to this article.

Junior graphic interface designer and self-professed Apple “Fanboy” Larry Billows is already in line to buy an Apple iPad on its Saturday, April 3rd release date, according to several co-workers at the midtown Manhattan office of Bertlebaum, Bogle & Bumblebee.  Billows, who according to several accounts has been speaking about the release for weeks, entered the line at the Apple Store on 5th Avenue on Monday and has remained there loyally ever since.  ”I honestly don’t know what Larry sees in the iPad,” said co-worker Janice Blutowski.  ”It’s like a giant iPhone without the phone, or a bigger iPod Touch.  Why someone would take five vacation days to wait in line for it when he could just order it online and get it next week is beyond me.  But to be honest, I’m glad to have him out of the office.  He’s been blabbering about it for weeks.  I think I might take Monday off just so I don’t have to be the first person he shows it off to.”

Less than three weeks after Apple’s highly-anticipated announcement of its iPad tablet e-reader, Apple fan tracking service MacAddicts revealed that nearly 6 out of 7 self-professed Apple fans have been diagnosed with suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms over the lack of recent Apple-related news.  According to MacAddicts, only 7,239,922 online articles, unconfirmed rumors and blog posts have been published about new Macintosh products over the past 10 days.  The withdrawal symptoms, which range from minor headaches to crippling seizure of their wireless Magic Mice, have reportedly quadrupled over the last 3 days as the non-news begins to pile up.  ”This is the longest we’ve gone without some sort of announcement or rumor,” said Mac fan and withdrawal sufferer Mick Davies.  ”Usually we would already be talking about the next generation iPhone, or arguing over what brand of black turtle neck Steve Jobs is wearing, but it’s been nothing but silence.  Terrible, unbearable silence.  Where’s my rumor of a 1TB video-enabled Nano, or 3D Apple TV?  I have nothing to talk about with my friends!”

A study released early Monday by the Center for Speculative Media & Measurement revealed that only 5 days after the official announcement, online media coverage and chatter around Apple’s iPad tablet device has surpassed all media coverage of the January 12th earthquake near the Haitian capital city of Port-au-Prince.  According to the study, 622 million news stories, blog posts, & Twitter feeds flooded the world wide web during the first hour of the iPad news conference in San Francisco, quickly surpassing the number of news reports, text messages and celebrity outcries combined around the Haitian earthquake.  ”The instinctive spirit of coming to the aid of our fellow man during a humanitarian crisis is one thing,” said lead researcher Karl Von Schnitzengrubel, “but nothing captures the attention of our collective psyche like the announcement of a highly-anticipated and gratuitously nonessential gadget.  The announcement of the iPad is the single-largest collection of media events in modern history around a product that hasn’t even hit the shelves.”