ColemanMedia Report

A report released by the Center For Pretentious Trade Jargon Monday morning revealed that LBC, the acronym for “location based services” earned the honor of becoming the 7 millionth advertising acronym to be officially accepted by the larger advertising community.  The acronym, which only recently came to fruition, is used largely to confuse and belittle those in the industry who have yet to catch on to the latest flavor of the month.  ”Acronyms are an integral part of the media and marketing world,” said Leo Burnett Chief Jargon Officer Mikeal Nakovbievokov.  ”Without them, we wouldn’t be able to trick clients into buying into high CPM ROS buys that really don’t deliver a tangible ROI.  Our B2C clients would probably see right through the GRP numbers we report on our DRTV buys, and we wouldn’t be able to charge nearly as much for our OPM services.  At the EOD, we’d be SOL.  Or OOW.”

Officials with the Cook County Fire Department confirmed that the search for junior media planner Jonah Mecklenberg began shortly after 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning after the 25-year-old man was reported missing during a “deep dive” into campaign performance data.  According to several witnesses at the River North office of Boo, Yahka, & Shaw, Mecklenberg was last seen at around 9:30 a.m. speaking with Rick Buzzworthy, his direct supervisor, who reportedly asked the young man to “deep dive” into the data to get “to the bottom” of the correct performance attribution metrics.  ”We are very concerned for Mr. Mecklenberg,” said CCFD spokesman Karl Bievlowski.  ”Apparently Mecklenberg started at a ‘high level,’ trying to take in a ’10,000-foot view.’  Whenever someone starts up that high in the Bullshit Bingo scale, and falls all the way into a ‘deep dive,’ they place themselves at serious risk.  But we hope to have him back shortly so he can ‘circle back’ and ‘onboard’ the rest of the team.”

A study released early Wednesday by the Center for Needless Self-Promotion and Pontification revealed that nearly 25% of advertising conference panelists actually believe the series of industry buzzwords and catch phrases that they pass off as expertise while on stage.  According to the study, one in four panelists believe that what they say is true, while three in four panelists say they regurgitate popular industry trends and sayings in an attempt to promote themselves or their companies.  ”I love being on a panel at conferences,” said Bruce Highwind, VP of Sales for ClychNine.  ”It gives me a chance to look far more important and knowledgeable than I really am, and it’s a great way put in shameless plugs for my company by giving answers that have absolutely nothing to do with the original question.  It’s also a great place for me to network and try to land my next gig.”