ColemanMedia Report

Online media behemoth Google announced Monday that it has inked rapper and self-professed True Blood fan Snoop Dogg as the official spokesperson for YouTube’s new “Leanback” user interface.  The interface, which uses a simplified user interface and larger video display area that some speculate is designed for use on TV’s, was a perfect fit for Snoop, according to Suzie Reider, CMO at YouTube.  “Snoop encapsulates everything that Leanback is about,” said Reider.  “He has a laid back attitude, bad posture, and a slowed speech pattern.  Plus he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind.  We agree wholeheartedly with that philosophy, as this product is designed to take as much money as humanly possible from our advertisers.”  While the amount Snoop will be paid for the role was not released, a spokesperson for the rapper confirmed that “now his homies can have some.”

Only a week after search monopoly Google quietly launched its long anticipated  ”Caffeine” search engine algorithm, the company announced Monday afternoon that it had acquired copyright and ownership of the word, concept and use of the chemical compound caffeine.  According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission earlier Monday, Google will now be able to charge royalties for any mention or use of the popular and highly addictive stimulant.  ”To be honest, we needed another significant revenue stream other than search,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”Sure, YouTube and DoubleClick bring in money, but it’s chump change.  And since we already named our new algorithm ‘Caffeine,’ we thought ‘why not?’  So now, every time you buy a cup of coffee or a candy bar, we take 25 cents.  By my calculations, I should be able to buy a yacht every 17 minutes with that kind of revenue.”

In an unexpected response to Google’s highly-publicized announcement earlier this week, software giant Microsoft announced Wednesday morning that it too will cease using Windows software and operating system at its 135 corporate office locations around the globe.  The move, which took many industry experts by surprise, is purportedly Microsoft’s attempt to use reverse psychology to increase sales of its beleaguered software products.  ”Look, we know Microsoft is about as cool and forward-thinking as your grandma’s wardrobe,” said COO Kevin Turner.  ”So if we say that we’re not going to use our own products anymore, that should make them that much cooler by disassociation.  Plus, they really do have too many security holes.  People kept hacking into Steve [Ballmer]’s Facebook account and updating his status to claim that he could ’smoke’ Steve Jobs in beer pong.  Which we all know is not true.”

A report issued Monday by the Center for Gratuitous Mergers & Acquisitions revealed that Internet and search giant Google went nearly 8 hours late last week without acquiring another company, surprising nearly every cognizant human being, including many within the company.  According the report, Google did not purchase another company for 7 hours and 54 minutes after announcing the May 20th acquisition of music syncing service Simplify Media, a new record for the company.  ”This is certainly eye-opening,” said lead researcher Jurgen von Schniedgelfen. “Google’s appetite for assets has been insatiable.  They recently purchased every pizza restaurant within 15 miles of their Mountain View campus just so they wouldn’t have to log the receipts in their expense reports.  For them not to purchase a Plink or a Picnik or the Commonwealth of Belize is either an oversight or an omen.”   Officials with Google echoed those sentiments.  Co-founder Sergey Brin, when reached via iPhone, said only, “We didn’t?  Why didn’t we buy anyone?  Where’s Larry?”

In an effort to stem the tide of recent user privacy concerns of Internet users, politicians, and privacy activist groups, popular search engine and prime GDP contributor Google filed a patent application with the US Patent Office Tuesday seeking to own the concept of privacy outright.  According to the filing, which was entered under the Accelerated Examination Program, Google seeks to rewrite the definition of privacy both on and offline to allow “any use of personal user data that maximizes revenue for Google, its subsidiaries, or its friends and family.”  ”This was an easy decision, really,” said Google co-founder and yacht-owner Sergey Brin.  ”With all the conversation and speculation over online privacy issues and where it’s going, it made sense for us to own the concept of privacy outright.  That way we control the conversation, much like how we control what 70% of people find on the Internet when they search for ‘Justin Bieber.’  Because frankly, we can’t let a totalitarian regime like China or the FCC control something as important to the citizens of the world as our profits.”

Further escalating the three-year copyright dispute between the two media stalwarts, search giant Google publicly announced late last week that they “are like rubber” and characterized adversary Viacom as “glue,” adding that “everything they do bounces off us and sticks” on Viacom.  The statement, issued late last week by Chief Playground Officer Susie Derkins, capped allegations by Google that Viacom committed the very copyright violations it accused Google of perpetuating.  ”Nuh-uh,” said an attorney from Viacom, who refused to be identified.  ”They started it.”  ”Did not,” countered Derkins. “Did too, quitsies,” said the Viacom lawyer.  ”Did not, double quitsies,” said Derkins.  ”Did too, triple quitsies, times infinity!” said the Viacom lawyer.  Judge Wormwood, presiding over the case, declined to comment on the latest accusations, saying only: “Thank God I only have five years to retirement.”

Just a week and a half after convicting three Google executives on violation of privacy charges, an Italian criminal court has convicted talk-show host and parasitic comedian Jay Leno to six years in prison for embezzlement, theft, and comedic tyranny.  The verdict, which was issued in absentia by Judge Giovanna Magiocelli, stems from Leno’s widely-publicized ousting of perennial underdog Conan O’Brien from NBC’s The Tonight Show in February.  The case has media and legal experts perplexed.  ”I realize that everyone wanted to punch Jay Leno for getting Conan fired,” said attorney Martin Venable.  ”But for the Italians to assert their jurisdiction over this one is even more confounding than NBC’s decision to move Conan to

Only days after the much ballyhooed and bewildering launch of social media tool Google Buzz, search giant and political lobbyist Google has announced the upcoming launch of “UsToo,” a new platform that will allow the media conglomerate to quickly and underwhelmingly copy virtually any popular social, mobile or web application.  According to the announcement, “UsToo” will give Google the flexibility to release confusing and relatively useless applications that mirror whatever the hottest new future trend may be.  ”We learned a lot from Buzz,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”We were late to the game with a social sharing tool that quite simply, even we didn’t understand.  With ‘UsToo’ we’ll no longer be late.  We’ll be nimble enough to release perplexingly forgettable applications almost immediately after a far better version of it becomes popular with the general public.  Because, quite frankly, I’m getting bored of running an immensely profitable search engine.”

A quick search for restaurants near the West Los Angeles apartment of Jenni Whitfield in Google Street View mode Tuesday afternoon revealed that Jake Hanson, the media buyer’s live-in boyfriend, had indeed left the toilet set up again earlier in the day.  According to sources close to the scene, the 26-year-old had long suspected her boyfriend as the culprit, but until logging into the 360-degree photo-based mapping service, didn’t have the evidence she needed.  ”Omigod, I totally knew it!” said Whitfield.  ”He always tries to blame me and I’m like ‘why would I leave the toilet seat up?  Hellooooo, I’m the only girl in the apartment.’  He is so on dish duty when I get home.”  Further searches within Street View revealed the whereabouts of Whitfield’s lost earring, her pink rhinestone Blackberry case, and a full view of her black CoCo de Mer whispering chemise.  ”Okay, this just turned from cool to creepy, like, really fast,” added Whitfield.

A report by the Bell Center for Media Prognostication predicts that mobile advertising sales pitches will become 93.2% more aggressive in 2010 on the heels of three very public acquisitions of mobile ad companies AdMob, Quattro Wireless and AdMarvel by media giants such as Google and Apple.  According to the report, advertising agencies can expect a 57% increase in meeting requests, an 83% increase in “the year of Mobile is here” claims, and a 726% increase in “you’re missing the boat by not buying with us” hard sells.  ”Our comfort level with these projections is very high,” said Chuck Waterford of Bell.  ”Reckless investment of this scale in any industry tends to give sales organizations the confidence to make largely unsubstantiated claims in order to pressure buyers into buying into the hype.  Like the claim that death of the PC is near.  Come back to me with that one in 5 years.”