ColemanMedia Report

Just hours after Goldman Sachs’ highly-publicized $450 million investment in Facebook, investment firm and credit rating agency Booty’s released a brief valuing the ubiquitous social network at “one million trillion dollars,” nearly 67 thousand times the current GDP of the United States. Juergen Riesling, chief analyst for Booty’s, justified the valuation based on Facebook’s recent usurping of Google and the 405 freeway in Los Angeles as the most trafficked site in the world. “To be perfectly honest, we just threw that number out there to see if people would buy it,” said Riesling about the valuation. “It was a bet between me and Clyde, and he won. So if you’re the proud owner of any of those privately traded shares, um, now might be a good time to think about shorting them. Or not, if you don’t mind taking a rather expensive bubble bath. I’m off to buy the first of twelve lunches for Clyde.”

Capitalizing on the recent spate of celebrity deaths, investment banking giant and close relatives of Satan Goldman Sachs began marketing their new Celebrity Death Derivatives portfolio of products late last week in a multi-million dollar print and online campaign.  The campaign, running on popular financial publications such as Forbes and The Motley Fool, promotes the new products, which allow investors to trade futures and swaps on upcoming celebrity deaths.  ”We make most of our money lying and cheating,” said Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, “so dealing in death seemed like a logical progression.  Now we can trick our clients into making virtually impossible bets on which celebrities will kick the bucket next.  And since celebrities tend to die in groups of 3-5, we can bundle these up like so many credit default swaps and sell them to the next sucker down the line.  Or an unsuspecting government like Greece.”