ColemanMedia Report

Seven data miners rescued after eight grueling hours of being trapped in non-operational meta data were greeted with a decidedly lukewarm reception on the 14th floor offices of Foote, Cone & Mr. Belding early Monday evening, according to several witnesses at the scene. The miners, all employees of FCB, were released just after 5:37 p.m. to a crowd of 6-8 co-workers, who had gathered nearby to watch an Antoine Dodson video. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Garrett Knowbody, one of the last miners to be pulled from the data, to a crowd of disinterested co-workers. “After 2:30, we thought we were goners for sure. I feel like we couldn’t have made it out without the tireless support of all of you out there. But frankly, I thought you’d be more excited to see us. I mean, we’re not Chilean, but we do make a positive contribution to the company.” Immediately after Knowbody’s statement, witness reported hearing Alexis from Account Services say: “Did one of those data guys just say something? Eww. Omigod, this part is so funny!”

Junior Media Planner Jesse Atwater has grown increasingly annoyed with the now common use of the term “new normal,” according to several co-workers at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding. The term, often used to describe potentially permanent changes in behavior due to recent economic conditions, reportedly exasperates Atwater “to the bone.” “If I hear someone say that social couponing or flat budgets are the ‘new normal’ again, I’m gonna lose it,” said Atwater. “Yes, I know people – and clients – are keeping more of a watchful eye over their finances, but for the love of God, please stop calling it the ‘new normal.’ People change. It’s this thing called life. And we had just gotten over everyone saying that something is the ‘new black.’ Why do we have to replace it with something that’s 10 times more annoying and pretentious?”

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding.  The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman.  ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman.  ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof.  Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%.  The client couldn’t be happier.  Eh, who am I kidding?  The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months.  At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”

Absolutely nothing was learned at a 2-hour “Lunch & Learn” Monday afternoon at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The meeting, hosted by Timothy Nesslebaum of AdNauseum and designed to educate the media planners on AdNauseum’s proprietary targeting technologies on their exclusive social mobile video platform, reportedly digressed into a free-for-all on the array of food brought in from Singha Thai on Clark Street.  ”I have no idea what the dude was talking about,” said junior media planner Jake Frealoder, “but the shu mai were absolutely amazing.  And normally I’m not a big fan of yellow curries, but damn.  I must have gone back three times.  By the middle of the meeting, I was already in a food coma.”  When asked about the content of the 104-minute presentation, Frealoder said “wait, who’s AdNauseum?”

The marketing sales team at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone and Mr. Belding correctly identified the sound coming from the Polycom SoundStation2 “starfish” phone in the DaVinci Room as snoring early Monday, according to officials with the Cook County Sound Institute.  The sound, which reportedly began approximately 22 minutes after the start of the weekly sales call, continued unabated for nearly 27 minutes, and registering levels as high as 61 decibels, likely originated from the San Francisco office of the ad agency.  ”While we’re still not 100% certain,” said Klaus von Hefschtietel, a sound analyst from CCSI, “We think we have narrowed the source of the sound down to Chip Langely or Ryan Tiergarten, both employees in the San Francisco office who were scheduled to be on the call.  The frequency of the oscillations and the pitch of saw pattern indicate Mr. Langely may be the source, but we cannot get the Chicago employees to stop laughing long enough to confirm or deny our suspicion.”