ColemanMedia Report

Fresh off the heels of releasing their Open Graph Platform, which has drawn the ire of lawmakers and privacy advocates, Facebook announced the release of its new OpenPassword feature, which automatically releases password information, social security numbers and complete dating histories of its users to any person, entity or hacker that requests it.  The new feature, announced yesterday and quietly released 6 weeks ago, will allow critical information to travel more freely and efficiently across the Web, according to Facebook founder and privacy adversary Mark Zuckerberg.  ”We live in an openly social world,” said Zuckerberg, “so why not share the information that people really want to know?  I think our users will really like it once they get used to it.  If they don’t, we’ll just sell their bank account numbers to Phil in Lagos, Nigeria.  Or their estranged exes.”

According to a report issued Monday by the social media watchdog group Friend Feeder, Facebook users have created more than 16 million new fan pages with the express purpose of generating more fans than every person, public figure, or brand that they dislike, don’t agree with, or simply want to make fun of.  The pages and groups, which started as jokes about pictures of domesticated animals getting more fans than Glenn Beck or Nickelback, have quickly snowballed to collectively waste more than 189 million hours of Facebook user time in the last week alone.  ”We see this as the beginning of the end for Facebook,” said Matthew P. Whipplebottoms, a research analyst at Friend Feeder.  ”It started with lost cows wandering on to people’s walls, where the utility of keeping in touch with friends and acquaintances gave way to the mindless time suck that is ‘Let’s see if this one-eyed mole rat can get more fans than the Verizon Guy’s glasses.’”

Accomplished journalist, television personality and attention whore Anderson Cooper brought himself to tears during a live broadcast of his popular show AC360 Thursday evening while reporting on the recent changes to popular social network Facebook’s privacy policies.  The reporter, who leaped to popularity after crying on air in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, lamented through sobs that the new privacy policy, – which broadcasts his Facebook friends’ status updates as a default – is “one of the greatest crimes against humanity.”  ”I’ve witnessed some pretty terrible things in my life,” weeped Cooper.  ”I’ve seen utter destruction wrought by nature, I’ve cried in Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared me for this.  This is almost as bad as if we subjected our viewers to unfettered coverage of the personal life of Tiger Woods for two weeks.  Oh, wait.”

Just days after conflicting audience reports from Facebook and Twitter had many industry insiders questioning the unabated growth of Social Media, Grandma Gertrude confirmed that Social Media is still in fact growing at a “doggone dizzying pace.”  Gertrude, who has been measuring Social Media’s growth by marking its height on her kitchen wall since it was “this tall,” is still surprised at the seemingly endless expansion.  ”Little Jimmy didn’t reach the counter until he was 8 or 9,” Gertrude said.  ”But I’ll be damned if Social Media wasn’t taller than my doily rack before it was 5 years old.  And it isn’t fixin’ to stop growing anytime soon.  I don’t know what the hell its parents are feeding it, but it’s working.”  Gertrude also reported that while Social Media spends less time watching TV, it’s “always talking to its friends on that damned computer.”

The Central Intelligence Agency announced late Friday that a new technology contract will allow the agency to instantly track criminals, suspects and ex-girlfriends within popular social networks Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter.  The contract, with Seattle-based Visible Technologies, will allow agents to track any and all social networking activity of “persons of interest” secretely – without logging in or revealing their identities.  ”This is a huge leap forward in allowing us to stalk ex-girlfriends,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.  ”Before we had to log in and send friend requests to find out what they were up to.  Most of the time they would just ignore or deny us.  But now I can track Peggy, Donna, and Gladys Steinberg without them knowing, and find out if they really hooked up with Kevin from senior gym class.”  Financial details of the contract were not released, but Panetta characterized the cost as “totally worth it.”

United States President Barack Obama has not yet confirmed Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s friend request on Facebook sent early last week, according to representatives of Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  Ahmadinejad, who sent the request last Monday, has come under fire recently for reportedly blocking access to social networking sites Facebook and Twitter after his widely disputed presidential win in June.  ”Ahmadinejad gets a bad rap,” said Khemeni al Khemeni, a spokesman for Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  ”He’s actually a very fun-loving, social guy, and very active on both Facebook and Twitter.  In fact, he’s summarily executed thousands of his own citizens for not accepting his friend requests.”  U.S. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated that President Obama has yet to receive Ahmadinejad’s request, largely because the Facebook Mobile app on his Blackberry has been “acting up lately.”

A report released this week by the Anderson School for the Statistically Obvious confirms that Internet users who regularly use online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are 24% more likely to use online social networks than those who currently don’t.  The report also points out that users of social media are 62% more likely to partake in “social” activities, such as exchanging emails, text messages, and writing reviews of “things that suck.”  ”Wow,” said Dan Determan, a media analyst at Omniworks Mediacom.  ”You mean to tell me that people on social networks are having conversations online?  Like talking to their friends online?  Who would have thought!  This totally validates the $1,695 we paid for this research!”  The report also revealed that people with eyes are 52.3% more likely to read content on social networks than those without.

Officials with the San Diego Center for Disease Control confirmed early Friday that a pandemic-level outbreak of Nerd Flu occurred in and around the San Diego Convention Center last week, potentially affecting thousands of victims.  Officials positively diagnosed over 542 known cases inside the annual Comic-Con International event, but fear that many more cases may go unreported.  The R2D2 strain is considered by many health officials to be far more dangerous than the H1N1 virus, as it can be easily and quickly transmitted via Facebook, Twitter, or SMS messages.  ”It’s especially communicable with jailbreaked iPhones using Skype or some other free service,” said SDCDC president Lars Van Winkle.  ”It’s important that people recognize the symptoms of Nerd Flu so that it can be treated in the early stages.  If you find yourself becoming overly giddy over Tron footage or a near-mint copy of Sandworms of Dune, you should immediately get yourself to the nearest Sports Bar.”  ED. NOTE: Senior Manga Field Reporter Greg Sher contributed to this report.