ColemanMedia Report

Just hours after Goldman Sachs’ highly-publicized $450 million investment in Facebook, investment firm and credit rating agency Booty’s released a brief valuing the ubiquitous social network at “one million trillion dollars,” nearly 67 thousand times the current GDP of the United States. Juergen Riesling, chief analyst for Booty’s, justified the valuation based on Facebook’s recent usurping of Google and the 405 freeway in Los Angeles as the most trafficked site in the world. “To be perfectly honest, we just threw that number out there to see if people would buy it,” said Riesling about the valuation. “It was a bet between me and Clyde, and he won. So if you’re the proud owner of any of those privately traded shares, um, now might be a good time to think about shorting them. Or not, if you don’t mind taking a rather expensive bubble bath. I’m off to buy the first of twelve lunches for Clyde.”

Fresh on the heels of news that Facebook knowingly shared personally identifiable data with 3rd party applications, 22-year-old waitress Sarah Tobias reported that she had received unsolicited text messages and flowers from a man only identified as “roger@zynga.” According to police reports, Tobias received 38 text messages over a 48-hour period before receiving a “Sentimental Surprise” bouquet of flowers at her Burlingame, CA apartment, all from a Zynga email account, the company responsible for the popular Farmville social game. The text messages, which complemented Tobias on her Farmville eggplant patch, music interests, and “Halloween 2009″ Facebook photo gallery, have Tobias on edge. “Um, I have no idea who this guy is, how he got on my profile, or how got my phone number,” said Tobias. “But if asks me to send more pics of me in my Dorothy costume again, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” Zynga and Facebook officials declined to comment for this story.

A study released late last week by the Center for Population Growth in Advertising revealed that as a group, online ad sales representatives now represent the 4th largest country in the world, surpassed only by China, India, and ubiquitous social network Facebook. According to the study, online ad sales representatives, who have achieved explosive growth over the last 12 months, now outnumber the total population of the United States, Canada, and Portugal combined. “The numbers are unprecedented,” said lead researcher Petros Pythagorean. “By our best estimates, there are over 522 million ad sales reps currently calling on media buyers in the US, generating just over 7 billion calls and emails to agencies every week. Compare that to just 12 months ago, when there were only 1,400.” What’s behind the sudden growth? “We credit recent news about a potential recovery of the advertising industry,” said Pythagorean. “Oh, that and the 600,000 new mobile and social media companies that have been founded in the last 12 weeks.”

Box Office Mojo and the Center for Unusually Shameless Puns reported early Monday that Sony Pictures’ quasi-controversial movie The Social Network reached profitability nearly 257 times faster than any actual social network in existence. The $50-milllion movie, which chronicles the fictionalized story of Mark Zuckerberg during the founding of Facebook, brought in $80 million in under 3 weeks, a far cry from the 5 years it took its namesake to reach profitability. “The Social Network‘s earnings are just incredible,” said Erik von Snideowitz from popular social blog Mashable. “If we compare its time to profit to, say, that of Facebook or MySpace, one could conservatively value it at approximately $800 billion by 2014. More optimistic projections value it at 2.4 trillion, or enough to pay off nearly 1/6th of the national debt.” Snideowitz’s projections have been challenged by many in the media and entertainment industries, however. “If The Social Network grosses anything close to Avatar,” said famed director and megalomaniac James Cameron, “I’ll personally see to it that Fincher never works in this town again.”

In an apparent move to preemptively protect their brand, increasingly empirical social network service Facebook filed a cease and desist notice in California District Court against the A-Team, temporarily prohibiting them from using the nicknames “Face” or “Faceman” in any movie sequels, TV re-runs or mall appearances. The notice, served to John “Hannibal” Smith, Templeton “Face” Peck, H.M Murdock, and B.A. Baracus, goes before an appellate judge Thursday, and is widely expected to be temporarily granted. The move reportedly did not surprise many legal experts. “It’s textbook, really,” said legal expert Hamilton Burger. “Facebook already takes great pride in unfettered ownership of their users’ privacy and online behavior, so why not take the property of anything that even remotely resembles their name, especially in the form of 80′s TV shows and horrible remakes? It makes total sense. Actually, can you strike that whole ‘textbook’ comment? I don’t want them suing me for using the word ‘book.’ Shit, scratch that last line too, would you?”

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

Sources with close ties to both companies reported Tuesday afternoon that popular social network and rising Imperial power Facebook loaned moribund content portal AOL $10 a few minutes before lunchtime earlier that day. According to the sources, who asked to remain unnamed, the $10 was promptly spent on a chicken burrito bowl with guacamole and corn salsa and a medium drink at a nearby Chipotle. The transaction has online media gossip mavens chomping at the bits. “Clearly this is Facebook’s first real foray into the content aggregation business,” said Kara Shushit of the confoundingly popular online column All Things Presumed. “Just look at it: AOL has all this content that no one sees, and Facebook has all these people that never actually see each other in person. It’s a match made in heaven.” Officials with AOL could not be reached for comment as their phones were down, but a spokesman for Facebook said, “AOL didn’t have any cash and left its ATM card at home, so we loaned it some lunch money. I really don’t see what the big deal is here.”

In an effort to treat his increasingly obvious addiction to broadcasting the mundane details of his life, part time Starbucks barista and full-time social media maven Rodney Pinkleberry checked in to Social Media Rehab through Foursquare Monday afternoon, according to his Foursqure, Gowalla, Facebook and Twitter feeds.  Pinkleberry admitted himself to a Santa Monica, CA facility at his own will, after finally realizing that he has a problem.  ”It didn’t really dawn on me until I ousted PickleD36 as the Mayor of 2nd handicap parking spot at Trader Joe’s in WeHo,” said Pinkleberry.  ”I had my Adventurer badge, my Explorer badge, but I knew things were getting bad when I earned my Overshare badge.  I mean, people stopped responding to my updates.  So I checked in to Rehab.  Where it’s gonna take me forever to oust LindsayL as Mayor.”

In an unexpected response to Google’s highly-publicized announcement earlier this week, software giant Microsoft announced Wednesday morning that it too will cease using Windows software and operating system at its 135 corporate office locations around the globe.  The move, which took many industry experts by surprise, is purportedly Microsoft’s attempt to use reverse psychology to increase sales of its beleaguered software products.  ”Look, we know Microsoft is about as cool and forward-thinking as your grandma’s wardrobe,” said COO Kevin Turner.  ”So if we say that we’re not going to use our own products anymore, that should make them that much cooler by disassociation.  Plus, they really do have too many security holes.  People kept hacking into Steve [Ballmer]‘s Facebook account and updating his status to claim that he could ‘smoke’ Steve Jobs in beer pong.  Which we all know is not true.”

Leading social network Facebook successfully sold personably identifiable data, a fitted camouflage Braves hat, and a pair of limited edition Air Force One DJ Clark Kent sneakers belonging to one of their users sometime last week, according to complaints filed with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department Monday.  The items, previously belonging to 24-year-old Douglasville resident Rodney Boowinkle, were purchased by an unidentified advertiser for $65 under a user targeting agreement facilitated by Facebook’s hotly contested and expertly hidden user privacy policy.  According to paragraph 6,782,423 of the privacy policy, Facebook “may disclose, dispose of, or sell any data, belongings, or immediate family members” of any of its users.  ”This shit is whack,” said Boowinkle.  ”Those were mid-top Air Force One’s in the original colorway.  How am I gonna find me some of them now?”