ColemanMedia Report

Following in the footsteps of several recent high-profile and incomprehensible re-branding announcements, annoyingly persistent ad network ExactoClick announced Monday that it is re-branding itself ExactlyClick, to more accurately reflect its ever-evolving suite of services. “We needed a brand with real staying power that really reflected what we do as a company,” said ExactlyClick CEO Joey O’Brien. “And what we do is exactly the same thing the other 400 or so networks do, so ExactlyClick was naturally a great fit. I realize we had built up zero brand equity with our previous name, but really, what new media company keeps the same name for more 2 years now anyway? Besides, it’s a great way to set new meetings with agencies who have already reviewed and rejected our proposals. We change our name, assign a new rep, and viola! We’re back in the door!”

A follow-up email from ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Simon Dippshitz was received by the Outlook inbox of Media Director Gail Saintworthy at approximately 11:42 a.m. on Labor Day Monday, according to mail server logs at the Santa Monica offices of Butler, Shine, and Daniel Stern. The email, which inquired if Saintworthy had had a chance to review the unsolicited proposal sent at 4:52 p.m. the previous Friday, was the only non-automated email to arrive during the ubiquitously observed holiday. According to Saintworthy, who reviewed the email Tuesday morning, the email also inquired about her availability Monday afternoon to go over any questions she might have about the proposal. “Really?!” exclaimed Saintworthy. “Does it ever stop? Don’t people realize that media planners have a job to do? I mean we don’t just sit around waiting for sales people to send us half-baked ideas that we’re supposed to act on “right away.’ We have clients for that.”

Twenty-six year-old tattoo artist Ramon Ramirez was injured by a “laser-targeted” display ad late Monday evening while surfing the “kind of played out but still useful” music video site Pitchfork.com.  The ad, served by behavioral targeting network ExactoClick, reportedly shot actual laser beams from the Duarte resident’s computer screen, burning the skin on his neck and causing damage to his heather gray cardigan.  The news took media planners from the agency responsible for the media buy by surprise.  “When our rep from ExactoClick said they used ‘laser targeting,’ we thought it was just a really cheesy name for behavioral targeting” said Sarah Shag, a planner on the team.  “We had no idea they would shoot actual lasers and cause harm to people.  Honestly, we were just trying to target users who had searched for Indie music and high fashion sneakers.  We had no idea cookieing people could be this dangerous.”

Night Custodian Lauro Castaneda of the Richards Group scheduled a meeting Tuesday afternoon with ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Thomas Knowschaim after Knowschaim’s repeated attempts to meet with Richards Group media team members failed to bear fruit.  According to witnesses at the scene, Knowschaim admits that Castaneda isn’t the ideal audience for his pitch, but insists that he just needs to “get in front of someone, anyone at the agency.”  ”Look,” Knowschaim said, “all I need is 20 minutes of your time, and you’ll be so blown away at how perfect my proposal is for your client that you’ll want to sign right then and there.”  Castaneda, who has limited media buying experience, reportedly took the meeting as a courtesy.  ”I really don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Castaneda.  ”But he promised to bring in cupcakes, and I usually get kind of hungry in the afternoon, so I figure it’s a win-win.”