ColemanMedia Report

A study released by the Foundation For Needlessly Speculative Journalism last week revealed that over 6 million man hours of work in the advertising industry alone have been wasted in October by reading Mediapost and Ad Age articles about imaginary mergers and acquisitions within the media space. The articles, which focus largely on speculative mergers like those between faltering portals AOL and Yahoo!, and potential acquisitions by media giant Google, have tripled in recent weeks, according to the report. “Speculative journalism is nothing new to the ad industry,” said media watchdog Clive Biegelstein. “But this is getting ridiculous. Over 60,000 words were published yesterday about news that hasn’t even happened yet, and probably never will. It’s like professional trade media has nothing real to report on, so they just make up the news. I mean, really, people, this isn’t CNN or FOX.”

Consummate broadcast interviewer and accomplished groom Larry King announced his retirement from cable news giant CNN last week, citing health reasons and his desire to spend more time with his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  The departure, which leaves a gaping hole in CNN’s nightly broadcast and advertising schedule, will give the former talk show host time to divorce his seventh, and current wife Shawn, and marry and divorce his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  ”Look, let’s not beat around the bush, here,” said King.  ”I’m 76.  I’m not getting any younger.  If I’m gonna get to nine wives – or ten if I can – I’m gonna have to focus. I mean, look at me.  Time is not something I have a whole lot of.”  A spokesman for King says he plans to start his quest for his eighth wife at longtime friend Hugh Hefner’s Holmby Hills estate, the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino pool on weekends, and Jumbo’s Clown Room Thursday nights.

Accomplished journalist, television personality and attention whore Anderson Cooper brought himself to tears during a live broadcast of his popular show AC360 Thursday evening while reporting on the recent changes to popular social network Facebook’s privacy policies.  The reporter, who leaped to popularity after crying on air in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, lamented through sobs that the new privacy policy, – which broadcasts his Facebook friends’ status updates as a default – is “one of the greatest crimes against humanity.”  ”I’ve witnessed some pretty terrible things in my life,” weeped Cooper.  ”I’ve seen utter destruction wrought by nature, I’ve cried in Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared me for this.  This is almost as bad as if we subjected our viewers to unfettered coverage of the personal life of Tiger Woods for two weeks.  Oh, wait.”