ColemanMedia Report

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”

A study released Monday by the Center for Obvious Gags and Wordplay revealed an alarming link between the emerging technology of cloud computing and the controversial theory of global warming. According to the report, Excel spreadsheets and sales Powerpoint presentations stored in the cloud may be attaching themselves to valuable hydrogen molecules, causing severe water shortages, and potentially speeding up the process of global warming by up to 342%. “We’ve always suspected that unnecessary sales drivel would somehow lead to the end of the world,” said lead researcher Wyatt Donelly. “But we never thought that it would happen this quickly. We don’t really understand exactly what cloud computing is, but that’s not the issue. The issue is the lightning fast accessibility of insipid sales material literally sucking the essential elements of life out of our immediate atmosphere.” According to the report, cloud computing could end life as we know it somewhere in the second quarter of 2012.