ColemanMedia Report

Capitalizing on the recent spate of celebrity deaths, investment banking giant and close relatives of Satan Goldman Sachs began marketing their new Celebrity Death Derivatives portfolio of products late last week in a multi-million dollar print and online campaign.  The campaign, running on popular financial publications such as Forbes and The Motley Fool, promotes the new products, which allow investors to trade futures and swaps on upcoming celebrity deaths.  ”We make most of our money lying and cheating,” said Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, “so dealing in death seemed like a logical progression.  Now we can trick our clients into making virtually impossible bets on which celebrities will kick the bucket next.  And since celebrities tend to die in groups of 3-5, we can bundle these up like so many credit default swaps and sell them to the next sucker down the line.  Or an unsuspecting government like Greece.”

The Center for the Exploitation of Recently Deceased Public Figures reported early Monday that WKLT Lite 99.9’s broadcast of Remember The Time marked the 100 billionth Michael Jackson song played over mass media channels since the pop star’s untimely death on June 25th. The broadcast, which took place on the 7th consecutive day of Lite 99.9’s “Missing MJ Marathon,” marks a milestone that has many popular culture critics worried about the effect that the relentless string of tributes will have on the singer’s legacy. “We understand the desire for radio stations to honor arguably one of the most successful entertainers in modern history,” said pop former music critic and short order cook Kurt Loder. “But after you’ve heard Wanna Be Startin’ Something for the 212th time in two days, it becomes a little too much. Not since Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping have we seen songs played so often that they cause visible dread to the listener. And if another person posts “mamase mamasa mamacoosa” on my Facebook page, I’m gonna lose it.”

The United States Senate Commerce Committee issued a 3-month moratorium on celebrity deaths early Monday, following the near collapse of popular micro-blog Twitter after the rapid-fire deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. The moratorium, which would levy steep fines against family members of celebrities who die before September 28th, is meant to protect Twitter, which the US government relies solely upon for information on Iranian foreign intelligence, and the locations of post Soviet-era nuclear weapons and popular Korean BBQ trucks. “Twitter provides a lot of valuable information to the government,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D), California. “It’s absolutely essential to the security of this country that I know where the Kogi truck is going to be on Tuesday nights. And we can’t have celebrities screwing that up.” Specific warnings about dying were issued directly to Lindsay Lohan, Pete Doherty, and Larry King.