ColemanMedia Report

A study released early Wednesday by the Center for Needless Self-Promotion and Pontification revealed that nearly 25% of advertising conference panelists actually believe the series of industry buzzwords and catch phrases that they pass off as expertise while on stage.  According to the study, one in four panelists believe that what they say is true, while three in four panelists say they regurgitate popular industry trends and sayings in an attempt to promote themselves or their companies.  ”I love being on a panel at conferences,” said Bruce Highwind, VP of Sales for ClychNine.  ”It gives me a chance to look far more important and knowledgeable than I really am, and it’s a great way put in shameless plugs for my company by giving answers that have absolutely nothing to do with the original question.  It’s also a great place for me to network and try to land my next gig.”

Adaptive Brand Marketing and sophisticated predictive modeling algorithms failed to foresee the paper cut suffered by Senior Media Buyer Seth Fogelberg early Tuesday while reviewing impression delivery reports, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Fogelberg, who employed the forward-thinking marketing tactics after attending a CMO round table discussion at Ad:Tech NY last week, expressed disappointment that predictive modeling hasn’t predicted much of anything.  ”I think all this ‘adaptive marketing’ fluff might just be a huge load of BS,” said Fogelberg.  ”None of this stuff has predicted what our target customers will do, how many times my client will change their minds at the last possible minute, or who’s gonna take the lead in my fantasy league this week.  They also failed to warn me about how freaking hot my coffee was this morning.  Worthless!”

Following the departure of Chief Innovation Officer Caroline Whitfield, former Digerati ECD Richard Dumas was promoted Tuesday to the newly-created position of Chief Rhetoric Officer of Omnicom’s SnakeOil unit, according to Tara Schwimmer of popular media blog Cap’NTechCrunch.  Under his new role, Dumas will be charged with bringing in some fresh eyes to the department, and taking a deep dive into sales operations, then circling back to break down silos with efficiencies that onboard synergistic elements into the sales team.  ”Rich should fit right into this role,” said Schwimmer.  ”He’s been blowing smoke up peoples’ asses for years using meaningless jargon and empty buzzwords.  He’s exactly what SnakeOil needs to help push the needle on developing client/agency relationships.”

The United States Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into advertising agency “onboarding” practices, according to Deputy Attorney General David W. Ogden.  Ogden, speaking at a press conference in Washington D.C. early Monday, characterized “onboarding,” or the practice of briefing agency team members on new client or project assignments, as “potentially exposing employees to inhumane levels of buzzwords and industry jargon.”  ”Onboarding is the single greatest threat to the ad industry that we know of,” said Ogden.  ”Well, besides the economy, of course.  It needlessly and maliciously exposes low and mid-level employees to empty and meaningless buzzwords designed to make upper and mid-level management seem smarter than they really are.  We view this as a form of torture and will prosecute those responsible to the fullest extent of the law.”