ColemanMedia Report

Consummate broadcast interviewer and accomplished groom Larry King announced his retirement from cable news giant CNN last week, citing health reasons and his desire to spend more time with his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  The departure, which leaves a gaping hole in CNN’s nightly broadcast and advertising schedule, will give the former talk show host time to divorce his seventh, and current wife Shawn, and marry and divorce his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  ”Look, let’s not beat around the bush, here,” said King.  ”I’m 76.  I’m not getting any younger.  If I’m gonna get to nine wives – or ten if I can – I’m gonna have to focus. I mean, look at me.  Time is not something I have a whole lot of.”  A spokesman for King says he plans to start his quest for his eighth wife at longtime friend Hugh Hefner’s Holmby Hills estate, the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino pool on weekends, and Jumbo’s Clown Room Thursday nights.

A study released by the Center for the Media, Journalism, and Intelligence this morning revealed that exposure to Bravo’s unscripted TV series The Real Housewives of Orange County has lowered the collective I.Q. of the entire country by 32.9%, despite only reaching 2.3 million viewers during its Season 2 premiere.  According to the study, the “brain drain” affect of the show reaches well beyond those actually exposed to the show.  ”The numbers are alarming, but certainly not surprising,” said researcher Kevin Danalbe.  ”We found that 1-2 exposures to the show itself produced a 63.1% drop in I.Q., while inadvertently overhearing even 20 seconds of ‘watercooler talk’ about the show reduced I.Q. by almost 12%.  And people who could name Chris Manzo’s 10 requirements for being a ‘Man’ actually demonstrated negative I.Q.”  The study has many advertisers excited.  ”Stupid people are 30% more likely to buy stuff they don’t need,” said one advertiser.  ”And we’re definitely in the business of selling people stuff they don’t need.”

Only days after talk show host and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be ending her syndicated talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show sometime in 2011, the Center for Media Studies released a statement predicting that the world as we know it will end approximately 72 hours after the last broadcast on CBS.  ”For 25 years, Oprah has been telling people what to read, what to buy and what to think,” said lead researcher Jahn Von Schmickelberg.  ”Without that guidance, most moms won’t know what to do or what to buy.  And with women controlling 85% of all brand purchases, markets will collapse, the economy will dissolve, and all we’ll be left with is Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd on The View.  It frightens me to even talk about it.”  Only one week after the announcement, sales of gas masks, bottled water, Twinkies, and James Frey novels skyrocketed.