Congress Calls For Moratorium On Celebrity Deaths
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009The United States Senate Commerce Committee issued a 3-month moratorium on celebrity deaths early Monday, following the near collapse of popular micro-blog Twitter after the rapid-fire deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. The moratorium, which would levy steep fines against family members of celebrities who die before September 28th, is meant to protect Twitter, which the US government relies solely upon for information on Iranian foreign intelligence, and the locations of post Soviet-era nuclear weapons and popular Korean BBQ trucks. “Twitter provides a lot of valuable information to the government,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D), California. “It’s absolutely essential to the security of this country that I know where the Kogi truck is going to be on Tuesday nights. And we can’t have celebrities screwing that up.” Specific warnings about dying were issued directly to Lindsay Lohan, Pete Doherty, and Larry King.