ColemanMedia Report

Non-partisan group Pew Center of American Life reported Wednesday morning that electronics manufacturer and unavoidable tastemaker Apple Computers spent nearly $1.4 billion on attack ads criticizing rival Adobe’s Flash technology in the weeks leading up to the November 2nd midterm election. The ads, which ran in popular broadcast TV, print and online outlets, portrayed Flash for being “anti-open development,” “weak on security,” and “beholden to the same policies that got us in this mess.” “Flash is stuck in the past,” said Apple political spokesman Chet Michaels, “in a world of PCs and mice. FACT. We can’t afford to let their policies of proprietary source code, security flaws, and battery-draining requirements drag us deeper into the hole they’ve already dug for us. It’s time get someone new in your phone, who’s not part of the old guard. And who, frankly, helps us sell more phones.”

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction.  Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack.  ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill.  In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville.  So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

Citing the blind faith and unwavering conviction of its tens of millions of “fanboys” around the world, Cupertino-based computer and software maker Apple announced Tuesday morning that it has filed for religious tax exemption status with the Internal Revenue Service.  The filing, considered by many to be the first step in establishing itself as a recognized religion, came on the heels of a Texas A&M study that highlighted the “slavish adoration” of Apple’s dedicated fan base.  ”It’s secretly been part of the plan all along,” said Apple founder and aging poster boy Steve Jobs.  ”Our design and advertising are so mesmerizing, that we can make somewhat deeply-flawed products, and people will still buy them like it’s their last day on earth.  When you think about it that way, it really already is a religion.  So why not take advantage of the tax breaks?   Plus, once this goes through we’ll be able to sue all those iPhone bashers for religious discrimination.  Not feeling so good about posting that video now, are you, tinywatchproductions?”

Junior graphic interface designer and self-professed Apple “Fanboy” Larry Billows is already in line to buy an Apple iPad on its Saturday, April 3rd release date, according to several co-workers at the midtown Manhattan office of Bertlebaum, Bogle & Bumblebee.  Billows, who according to several accounts has been speaking about the release for weeks, entered the line at the Apple Store on 5th Avenue on Monday and has remained there loyally ever since.  ”I honestly don’t know what Larry sees in the iPad,” said co-worker Janice Blutowski.  ”It’s like a giant iPhone without the phone, or a bigger iPod Touch.  Why someone would take five vacation days to wait in line for it when he could just order it online and get it next week is beyond me.  But to be honest, I’m glad to have him out of the office.  He’s been blabbering about it for weeks.  I think I might take Monday off just so I don’t have to be the first person he shows it off to.”

The Federal Communications Commission confirmed early Tuesday that Yonkers, NY resident and iPhone user Kevin Strumbacher successfully completed a 22-minute mobile phone call on his Apple iPhone 3GS.  According to records released by AT&T, the 25-year-old Public Relations assistant spoke, uninterrupted, to his friend Jimmy for 22 minutes and 31 seconds about whether or not Brooklyn Decker is hotter than Marissa Miller.  ”This is clearly a red-letter date,” said Brock Lichtenberg of mobile data tracking company SmartPhones, DumbUsers.  ”We haven’t recorded an iPhone call longer than 7 minutes in well over 3 years.  And to see a call longer than 20 minutes being ended voluntarily by the user, well, I’m just speechless.  And to think that an iPhone call ended with someone saying ‘Later, man’ instead of ‘Hello?  Hello!?’ makes my year, frankly.”  Unfortunately the long calls did not last.  Records show Strumbacher’s subsequent 256 conversations ended prematurely.

Less than three weeks after Apple’s highly-anticipated announcement of its iPad tablet e-reader, Apple fan tracking service MacAddicts revealed that nearly 6 out of 7 self-professed Apple fans have been diagnosed with suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms over the lack of recent Apple-related news.  According to MacAddicts, only 7,239,922 online articles, unconfirmed rumors and blog posts have been published about new Macintosh products over the past 10 days.  The withdrawal symptoms, which range from minor headaches to crippling seizure of their wireless Magic Mice, have reportedly quadrupled over the last 3 days as the non-news begins to pile up.  ”This is the longest we’ve gone without some sort of announcement or rumor,” said Mac fan and withdrawal sufferer Mick Davies.  ”Usually we would already be talking about the next generation iPhone, or arguing over what brand of black turtle neck Steve Jobs is wearing, but it’s been nothing but silence.  Terrible, unbearable silence.  Where’s my rumor of a 1TB video-enabled Nano, or 3D Apple TV?  I have nothing to talk about with my friends!”

A study released early Monday by the Center for Speculative Media & Measurement revealed that only 5 days after the official announcement, online media coverage and chatter around Apple’s iPad tablet device has surpassed all media coverage of the January 12th earthquake near the Haitian capital city of Port-au-Prince.  According to the study, 622 million news stories, blog posts, & Twitter feeds flooded the world wide web during the first hour of the iPad news conference in San Francisco, quickly surpassing the number of news reports, text messages and celebrity outcries combined around the Haitian earthquake.  ”The instinctive spirit of coming to the aid of our fellow man during a humanitarian crisis is one thing,” said lead researcher Karl Von Schnitzengrubel, “but nothing captures the attention of our collective psyche like the announcement of a highly-anticipated and gratuitously nonessential gadget.  The announcement of the iPad is the single-largest collection of media events in modern history around a product that hasn’t even hit the shelves.”

A report by the Bell Center for Media Prognostication predicts that mobile advertising sales pitches will become 93.2% more aggressive in 2010 on the heels of three very public acquisitions of mobile ad companies AdMob, Quattro Wireless and AdMarvel by media giants such as Google and Apple.  According to the report, advertising agencies can expect a 57% increase in meeting requests, an 83% increase in “the year of Mobile is here” claims, and a 726% increase in “you’re missing the boat by not buying with us” hard sells.  ”Our comfort level with these projections is very high,” said Chuck Waterford of Bell.  ”Reckless investment of this scale in any industry tends to give sales organizations the confidence to make largely unsubstantiated claims in order to pressure buyers into buying into the hype.  Like the claim that death of the PC is near.  Come back to me with that one in 5 years.”

The entire continental United States air traffic control system was brought to a halt Sunday morning just minutes after the Federal Aviation Administration completed an upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7, according to a press release issued by the agency Monday.  According to release, the decision to upgrade was made after watching 2 months’ worth of Windows 7 and Apple commercials on CNN.  ”So we may be a little late to the game,” said operations director Annabelle Crumbsworth.  ”I mean, we are a government agency.  But let’s be honest, that Mac guy is a little bit smug.  I’ve always wanted to see the look on his face when the PC guy finally upstages him, and Windows 7 looked like the first legitimate chance.  But after installing it and having the entire flight plan system shut down on me, I can say with confidence that I am not a PC, and Windows 7 was not my idea.  Okay, so maybe the idea to install it was.”