ColemanMedia Report

Sources with close ties to both companies reported Tuesday afternoon that popular social network and rising Imperial power Facebook loaned moribund content portal AOL $10 a few minutes before lunchtime earlier that day. According to the sources, who asked to remain unnamed, the $10 was promptly spent on a chicken burrito bowl with guacamole and corn salsa and a medium drink at a nearby Chipotle. The transaction has online media gossip mavens chomping at the bits. “Clearly this is Facebook’s first real foray into the content aggregation business,” said Kara Shushit of the confoundingly popular online column All Things Presumed. “Just look at it: AOL has all this content that no one sees, and Facebook has all these people that never actually see each other in person. It’s a match made in heaven.” Officials with AOL could not be reached for comment as their phones were down, but a spokesman for Facebook said, “AOL didn’t have any cash and left its ATM card at home, so we loaned it some lunch money. I really don’t see what the big deal is here.”

Only two days after making their separation official, sources close to the scene report that newly-single Internet portal AOL and media giant Time Warner have been fighting over rights to the couple’s Bergen County vacation home, mahogany dining set, and John Tesh Songs of Christmas CD box set.  The split, long thought to be mutually amicable by many industry experts, reportedly turned sour when AOL claimed the dining set, purchased last year at the Pottery Barn Store in Short Hills Mall.  According to lawyers for AOL, Time Warner purchased the 6-seat dining set as a birthday gift for AOL.  ”Look, they don’t make the Montego Collection in espresso anymore,” said Lew Alsinger, an attorney for AOL.  ”My client uses that setup to host clients and hold critical sales meetings.  It’s not like she can go back to the ‘Barn and buy another one.”  ”AOL can go look on Craig’s List for all I care,” said Time Warner in a written statement.  ”I have receipts for the dining set and the Tesh CDs, and I’ll be damned if I she’s gonna walk away with them.”

In preparation for their imminent departure with Time Warner, long-standing portal and flailing content aggregator AOL announced early Tuesday that it will be cutting the “A” from its name to allow it to focus more on it’s core business of slowly fading into online oblivion.  The move, which will go along with layoffs and a major shakeup of leadership, will reportedly save the company more than $30 million this quarter, making it a much more attractive acquisition target for another hapless media conglomerate.  ”We knew we had to cut, and we had to cut deep,” said CEO Tim Armstrong.  ”And the choice to cut the ‘A’ was the most obvious.  I mean, most of America doesn’t use us anymore, and 90% of Americans under 18 don’t even know who we are, so it was kind of a no-brainer.  Now we can focus solely on the online portion of our business, which we define as operating dying properties or services that Google or someone else has already effectively replaced.”