ColemanMedia Report

The sudden and seemingly inexplicable deaths of thousands of birds over Arkansas and Louisiana over the last two days was revealed early this morning to be an organized protest by the Audobon Society against the annoyingly popular mobile game Angry Birds. The deaths, which occurred over Bette, AK and Pointe Coupee Parish, LA, and have religious zealots praying for salvation, were the Audobon Society’s not-so-subtle plea for people to stop playing the addicting game by Rovio on their iPhone and Android handsets. “Normally we don’t harm the animals we’re sworn to protect,” said Reginald Abernathy, Director for the Audobon Society, “but this has gotten out of control. Mothers are playing it instead of watching their kids, employees are playing it instead of working, and yesterday, I caught my 12-year-old son playing it in the shower. I don’t care how many birds we have to sacrifice. People need to stop playing this, and now. Wait, did you just get the 16th Golden Egg? I’ve been trying to do that for weeks!”

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction.  Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack.  ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill.  In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville.  So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”