ColemanMedia Report

A study released by the Center for the Media, Journalism, and Intelligence this morning revealed that exposure to Bravo’s unscripted TV series The Real Housewives of Orange County has lowered the collective I.Q. of the entire country by 32.9%, despite only reaching 2.3 million viewers during its Season 2 premiere.  According to the study, the “brain drain” affect of the show reaches well beyond those actually exposed to the show.  ”The numbers are alarming, but certainly not surprising,” said researcher Kevin Danalbe.  ”We found that 1-2 exposures to the show itself produced a 63.1% drop in I.Q., while inadvertently overhearing even 20 seconds of ‘watercooler talk’ about the show reduced I.Q. by almost 12%.  And people who could name Chris Manzo’s 10 requirements for being a ‘Man’ actually demonstrated negative I.Q.”  The study has many advertisers excited.  ”Stupid people are 30% more likely to buy stuff they don’t need,” said one advertiser.  ”And we’re definitely in the business of selling people stuff they don’t need.”

The United States Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into advertising agency “onboarding” practices, according to Deputy Attorney General David W. Ogden.  Ogden, speaking at a press conference in Washington D.C. early Monday, characterized “onboarding,” or the practice of briefing agency team members on new client or project assignments, as “potentially exposing employees to inhumane levels of buzzwords and industry jargon.”  ”Onboarding is the single greatest threat to the ad industry that we know of,” said Ogden.  ”Well, besides the economy, of course.  It needlessly and maliciously exposes low and mid-level employees to empty and meaningless buzzwords designed to make upper and mid-level management seem smarter than they really are.  We view this as a form of torture and will prosecute those responsible to the fullest extent of the law.”

According to several witnesses at the scene, western regional sales director Derek Noklass began a media capabilities PowerPoint presentation during the DrinkLA Summer Mixer event Wednesday evening, shortly after purchasing a round of drinks for three members of the Hyundai marketing team.  The 52-slide presentation was reportedly given standing up, after handing two vodka sodas and one Amstel Light to the three members of the team at approximately 8:30 p.m., nearly two hours into the industry networking event.  ”We were like, what the hell is he doing?” said Jill Blakesly, a media buyer on the Hyundai team.  ”He asks us if we want refills on our drinks, and we’re like ‘sure, why not?’  Then he comes back 5 minutes later with drinks and a laptop, and starts going to town on his retargeting capabilities.  I mean, really?  It would have almost been less inappropriate to accidentally touch my boob or something.  Almost.”

A report released by the Interactive Advertising Bureau Monday revealed that “Out of Office” emails outnumbered actual work man-hours in the advertising industry by nearly 400 times from Thursday, July 2nd to Friday, July 3rd. According to the report, nearly 110 million automatic “Out of Office” email messages were sent throughout the industry, versus a combined 267.5 hours of actual work performed during the same time period. “Our data indicates that throughout the entire ad industry, approximately 47 people actually showed up to work on Thursday,” said lead IAB research Carlos del Funcionario. “And further study reveals that those 47 people instigated or received approximately 72% of the Out of Office emails generated during that time. We saw Out of Office volume decrease significantly on Friday, July 3rd, as our estimate for employees physically in the workplace fell to just Roger in Ad Operations.”