ColemanMedia Report

ExasperClick Network Director of Sales Sal Bugotini works with Joey Bonaducci, and wants to schedule a time to come in and discuss how he can get some business going with you and your agency’s clients, according to a message left in your voice mail inbox early Monday morning.  According to Bugotini, Bonaducci is a “longtime pal” and has “nothing but good things to say about you,” which reportedly makes Bugotini certain that he will work very well with you.  Multiple queries to your email, contact database, and personal memory show no record of contact or evidence of existence of Joseph Bonaducci, Sal Bugotini, or ExasperClick Network, despite the unusually friendly tone of the message.  Bugotini followed up with an email suggesting that you join him and Bonaducci later this week for some cocktails to “catch up and discuss some business.”

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

Digital location-based service and annoyingly popular social media networking tool of the moment Foursquare revealed that co-worker Skip Dangley interviewed at rival agency Dimm, Wittedt & Thicke while on his lunch break Tuesday afternoon.  Dangley, a self-professed “addict” of Foursquare and acting “Mayor” of Louie’s Sub & Pub on Pico Blvd., inadvertently revealed his lunch plans when he “checked in” to the DWT Los Angeles office.  ”When Skip left, we assumed he was running out to Louie’s to grab a hoagie,” said Dangley’s direct supervisor Jed Lewis.  ”But when I saw his post on my BlackBerry that he was ‘about to unlock the Better Job Badge at another agency,’ I knew something was up.  So we went ahead and packed up all his stuff so that when he gets back to the office he can ‘check out’ of his current job that much easier.”

HardSell Media Western Regional Sales Manager Charles Lamonica wants to kick things with your client into high gear, according to a voice mail and follow-up email sent Tuesday morning to Junior Account Coordinator Jordan Ringley.  Lamonica reportedly wants to “jump-start” the new year and the new quarter by “diving in headfirst” to some “6-figure-minumum” ad buys on his behaviorally targeted network.  According to the messages, sent within 16 minutes of each other, Lamonica feels strongly that if you test big, he’ll be able to deliver big.  ”Look,” said Lamonica in his phone message, “I’m through with these little tests.  Let’s turn things up and start spending some real dough.  The volume’s only at 3 kid, but this dial goes to eleven, you know what I mean?”  ”Did he really just make a Spinal Tap reference?” said Ringley.  ”I’m 24, I wasn’t even born when that movie came out.  Who buys into this crap anyway?”

Not to be outdone by Alex Bogusky’s promotion to Chief Creative Insurgent of Crispin Porter + Bogusky parent MDC Partners, Chicago-based agency Boo, Yahka & Shaw officially announced the promotion of Deputy Vice Comptroller of Keepin’ It Real Brian Sheenwicky to the newly-created position of Chief Pretentiousness Officer late Monday.  Under his new role, Sheenwicky will be in charge of creating innovative and confusing new business practice and department names to make the agency sound more cutting-edge and ahead of the curve.  ”In the new media landscape, agencies need to stop worrying about being reasonable or accountable,” said Sheenwicky.  ”It’s all about bewildering the hell out of your clients and competition with abstract concepts, half-baked assertions, and unprecedented monikers.  As long as you can appear to be one step ahead of everyone else, you’ll never have to prove your actual worth.”

Officials with the Cook County Fire Department confirmed that the search for junior media planner Jonah Mecklenberg began shortly after 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning after the 25-year-old man was reported missing during a “deep dive” into campaign performance data.  According to several witnesses at the River North office of Boo, Yahka, & Shaw, Mecklenberg was last seen at around 9:30 a.m. speaking with Rick Buzzworthy, his direct supervisor, who reportedly asked the young man to “deep dive” into the data to get “to the bottom” of the correct performance attribution metrics.  ”We are very concerned for Mr. Mecklenberg,” said CCFD spokesman Karl Bievlowski.  ”Apparently Mecklenberg started at a ‘high level,’ trying to take in a ’10,000-foot view.’  Whenever someone starts up that high in the Bullshit Bingo scale, and falls all the way into a ‘deep dive,’ they place themselves at serious risk.  But we hope to have him back shortly so he can ‘circle back’ and ‘onboard’ the rest of the team.”

Precisely nothing was “kicked off” during a creative kickoff call between Rich Media vendor Eyeroller and the RC Cola team at Bertelbaum & Berkshire Tuesday afternoon, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The conference call, requested by Eyeroller Account Supervisor Stephie Meddlespoon approximately 17 minutes after the Insertion Order was signed, was reportedly planned to introduce her team, discuss campaign logistics and timelines, and get “everyone on the same page.”  ”What an absolute waste of our time,” said B&B creative director Dirk Saurbottoms.  ”This must be our 15th campaign with the same Eyeroller team.  Why to we have to schedule a frickin’ kickoff call every time we sign an IO to go over the exact same stuff we went over last time?  The only thing remotely productive about that meeting was watching Tommy lip-sync Stephie’s speech word-for-word after we put the phone on mute.”

The regular agency-client meeting schedule for the Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches team was “totally Conan O’Briened” late Monday when the client moved the weekly campaign report call from 10:00 a.m. on Tuesdays to 4:30 p.m. on Fridays, according to several witnesses at the Raleigh, NC office of the Stone Agency.  The weekly calls, scheduled to review online campaign performance and TV GRP results, was reportedly moved to achieve “efficiencies” in the client’s meeting program.  ”This is total bullshit,” said Will O’Callahan, a junior planner at the Stone Agency.  ”The Tuesday slot was perfect.  It’s after the Monday rush, so everyone’s caught up on emails, and they actually look at the numbers.  No one gives a shit on Fridays.  It’ll be like we’re talking to a dead line.  The client will already be checked out, cleaning his clubs for his Saturday tee time.”

Western Regional Sales Director Tricia McNeedy of Adnoyance left a voice message and a follow up email at approximately 11:52 a.m. Tuesday morning, checking in to make sure you had read and received the introduction email she sent approximately 28 minutes prior.  The follow-up email, which contained a forwarded copy of the original email, reminds you of her original request to set up an in-person meeting either tomorrow or Thursday and expressed concern that you have not yet replied to her original email.  According to McNeedy, it’s important that this meeting take place in the very near future, so that she may learn about your client’s goals and objectives and so you can take advantage of some exceptional pricing discounts that won’t last long. McNeedy reportedly understands your busy schedule, and promises to only take 30-40 minutes of your time.  And if you have any further questions, she is more than willing to schedule a follow-up meeting, especially next Tuesday, when her VP of Sales is in town.

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”