ColemanMedia Report

After recording a record 622 million sales calls and emails to ad agencies and marketing departments in the first 12 days of the month, the Internet Advertising Bureau officially declared October National Ad Sales Month.   The industry organization, which monitors online marketing and sales activity, awarded the label to October due to a 4,727% increase in sales calls and emails from the prior month.  ”The numbers are out of this world,” said Jerry Van Winklesmith, a researcher with the IAB.  ”A property crime is committed approximately every 3 seconds in the United States.  In those 3 seconds, ad agencies across the country were hit with 722.3 sales calls and emails asking about Q4 plans.  So, like we always do in this industry, we put a positive spin on a ridiculous situation, slap a label on it, and send two weeks worth of emails around that theme.”  The IAB plans to celebrate the occasion by hosting a two-day conference on how to manage sales calls.

A Study released Tuesday by the Foundation for Misguided Ad Projections revealed that 6 out of 10 media buyers, when surveyed about their predictions for Q4 ad budget growth or contraction, responded by asking: “Is it Friday yet?”  The study, which is meant to gauge the health of the ad industry in the eyes of industry insiders, also revealed that 5 out of 10 media buyers responded with “what’s this call about again?” and 2 in 10 buyers asked “are you going to finish that bagel?”  ”The results were right in line with our expectations,” said Hans Brinklehaufer of FMAP.  ”Media buyers can’t be bothered with details like what their quarterly budgets are or what their client’s objectives are.  They have more important issues to address, like where they’re going to meet for lunch.  Besides, we make the forecasts up anyway.  It’s not like anyone reads them.”

Director of Southwest Sales Simon Nash knows that senior media planner Dara Schlesinger is on vacation, but wants to check in to see if there is anything that he might be able to provide for her in the mean time, according to three voice messages left in Schlesinger’s voice mail inbox late last week.  According to the messages, Nash already spoke with the receptionist, and knows that Schlesinger will be out until next week, but thought he would check in just in case, and apologizes for “adding to your backlog.”  Schlesinger, who returned to the office Monday morning to over 1,300 emails and 26 voice messages, found three voice messages and 16 emails from Nash sent during her two-week vacation.  ”This is getting ridiculous,” said Schlesinger.  ”If he knew I was on vacation until the 28th, what made him think that leaving a second or third message would do anything other than annoy the hell out of me?”

The United States Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into advertising agency “onboarding” practices, according to Deputy Attorney General David W. Ogden.  Ogden, speaking at a press conference in Washington D.C. early Monday, characterized “onboarding,” or the practice of briefing agency team members on new client or project assignments, as “potentially exposing employees to inhumane levels of buzzwords and industry jargon.”  ”Onboarding is the single greatest threat to the ad industry that we know of,” said Ogden.  ”Well, besides the economy, of course.  It needlessly and maliciously exposes low and mid-level employees to empty and meaningless buzzwords designed to make upper and mid-level management seem smarter than they really are.  We view this as a form of torture and will prosecute those responsible to the fullest extent of the law.”

Senior Online Media Planner Jed Blakely launched what many industry insiders are calling the first RFP rejection hotline early Monday after receiving nearly 67 proposals for a local online branding campaign for Joe’s Pizza, a local Manhattan pizza chain.  The hotline, which according to Blakely was inspired by a phone number given to him by a young woman from Hackensack Saturday evening, delivers several pre-recorded messages that inform sales reps why their proposal(s) did not make the media plan.  ”I can’t possibly be expected to actually give feedback to people who didn’t make the plan,” said Blakely.  ”So this is my way of at least getting back to them.  I just email them the number disguised as a conference call-in number, and let the recordings to the rest.  That way I have time to manage my fantasy football team.”  Messages on the recording site “it’s not you, it’s me” and “your site’s just not my client’s type” as reasons for not making a plan.

Representatives of the IT department in the Little Rock office of Klein, Barter, & Schnook confirmed reports from several co-workers that junior account planner Ryan McBrubin was caught “Twooping” at approximately 10:15 a.m. local time.  According to company log files, McBrubin posted two Twitter updates from his Blackberry Pearl while using the company restroom on the third floor.  ”We suspected for some time that McBrubin might be texting while using the restroom,” said IT manager Richard Rhindglass.  ”But when he sent two Tweets about a song playing over our intercom radio, our worst fears were confirmed.  As a company, we don’t have an official policy against Twooping, but as a person – even an IT guy – I think it’s just plain gross.  I won’t be answering Ryan’s phone if it rings, that’s for sure.”  Ed. Note: Junior Commode Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

A study released late last week by the John J. Apathee Center for Excuses and Laziness revealed that project and campaign accountability within the advertising industry could be reduced by 37.4% – and the chance of getting fired reduced by up to 72.9% – simply by blaming one or more other parties involved in the process or project.  ”The results of this study are potentially game changing,” said lead researcher Alfred P. Nowittal.  ”Agencies can reduce their accountability 42.5% by blaming their clients for bad campaign briefs, media companies see a 28.5% reduction by blaming the agencies for RFP’s that lack detail, and marketers drop 47.3% by blaming their agencies for overburdening cost structures.  Media directors can blame ineffective creative, and creative directors can blame the media mix for dwindling audiences and framentation.”  The study found that once a full circle of blame is completed, accountability for the entire advertising industry could be redirected entirely to Joan in HR.

67-year-old Vice President of Media Operations Joel Whitmeier’s attempt to appear relevant to his younger, 20-something subordinates by asking if any of them planned to attend Saturday’s Jonas Brothers concert reportedly fell flat, according to several witness at the scene. The inquiry, which allegedly only made Whitmeier seem more out of touch, did not resonate with its intended audience. “Really? The Jonas Brothers?” said Heather Chandler, 25. “Who listens to that corn-syrupy crap? Seriously, if Joel knew anything about music, he’d know I’m busy being nostalgic about 80’s bands that I’m far too young to remember so that I get some of the creative directors’ obscure Flock of Seagulls references. It’s just pathetic when someone tries too hard to fit in.” According to Chandler, Whitmeier’s references to Ashley Tisdale and Demi Lovato fell equally flat.