ColemanMedia Report

Internet Dead, 2 Million Out Of Jobs

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:07:58 +0000

Just hours after Wired Magazine made its now infamous proclamation – made in part on their Web site – officials with the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office confirmed that the Internet died sometime before noon last Tuesday, leaving nearly 2 million online marketers, webmasters, designers and programmers out of a job, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. The death, officially caused by acute disbelief according to the Coroner’s report, has economists and media watchdogs in a near state of panic. “This is the worst news we’ve ever heard,” said Tommy Gnoasital of popular online news site Mashed. “Usually these kinds of self-serving, nonsensical predictions are just that: bullshit predictions. I mean, how long have people been claiming that ‘TV is dead,’ or that ‘newspapers are dead,’ or that ‘MySpace is dead?’ What’s next? Smartphones? Porn? I better go change my passwords.” When asked about where the information for the prediction came from, an editor at Wired said only: “You see that money you’re carrying around in your pocket? It’s worthless. The whole concept of money will cease to exist by January.”

CA, NY To Tax Earned Media

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:02:52 +0000

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

Burgerville Mayor Charged With Election Fraud

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:01:18 +0000

Officials with Department of Justice and the State of Oregon jointly confirmed late Tuesday that the Mayor of the Burgerville on SW Canyon Road, local college student Jimmy McSeamus, has been charged with 16 counts of election fraud in 9th Circuit Federal Court. According to court affidavits, the charges contend that McSeamus, who has held the Mayorship of the Beaverton, OR fast food location on Foursquare for over 6 months, illegally obtained his appointment by checking in numerous times from across the street, while walking to his day job nearby at Video Only. “We have more than enough evidence to convict McSeamus,” said Deputy District Attorney Conrad McMasters, “including GPS location data and several solid eyewitness accounts. And we intend to throw the book at him. Blagojevich may have gotten away with this one, but McSeamus is going down.” If convicted on all 16 counts, McSeamus faces up to 12 years in Federal prison, the loss of his Mayorship, and the loss of his Adventurer badge.

Media Planner Crowd Sourcing Performance Reports

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 18:59:55 +0000

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding. The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman. ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman. ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof. Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%. The client couldn’t be happier. Eh, who am I kidding? The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months. At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”

230 Million Injured In Social Media Explosion

Coleman Engellenner — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 18:49:06 +0000

The Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed early Tuesday that nearly 230 million people across the United States have been injured in the social media “explosion” that has rocked the country over the last 12 months. According to FEMA officials, the injuries, which range from mild annoyances to severe head traumas, have been caused by the perfect storm of rising social media usage, a surge in social media marketing campaigns, and chief marketing officers demanding to know what their social media strategies are. ”We predicted back in 2008 that social media presented a significant health risk,” said Lon Dolittle, Chief Emergency Response Officer for FEMA. ”But we had no idea it would be this bad. This ‘explosion,’ as so many sales reps and media journalists have aptly named it, has not just torn a hole in the fabric that was everyday physical human contact, but it’s created arguably the most over-hyped and inflated media phenomenon this country has ever seen.”

Facebook To Loan AOL $10

Coleman Engellenner — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 18:46:31 +0000

Sources with close ties to both companies reported Tuesday afternoon that popular social network and rising Imperial power Facebook loaned moribund content portal AOL $10 a few minutes before lunchtime earlier that day. According to the sources, who asked to remain unnamed, the $10 was promptly spent on a chicken burrito bowl with guacamole and corn salsa and a medium drink at a nearby Chipotle. The transaction has online media gossip mavens chomping at the bits. “Clearly this is Facebook’s first real foray into the content aggregation business,” said Kara Shushit of the confoundingly popular online column All Things Presumed. “Just look at it: AOL has all this content that no one sees, and Facebook has all these people that never actually see each other in person. It’s a match made in heaven.” Officials with AOL could not be reached for comment as their phones were down, but a spokesman for Facebook said, “AOL didn’t have any cash and left its ATM card at home, so we loaned it some lunch money. I really don’t see what the big deal is here.”

Panel Expert Live-Tweeting Answers

Coleman Engellenner — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:57:56 +0000

Self-proclaimed social media expert and panelist Lester Swindleson refused to verbally answer any of moderator Sam Speakwell’s questions during the “Media and Marketing in the Social Graph” session at the OMMA Social Media Conference last week, opting instead to live-Tweet his comments, according to several deeply irritated witnesses at the scene. Swindleson’s Tweets, which included many references to the hash tags #stupidquestion and #socialNOOB, were reportedly intended to demonstrate his wikipedic knowledge and nonsensical commitment to the medium. ”Really, it just made him look like a complete and total douchebag,” said one conference attendee who asked to remain anonymous. ”I mean seriously, who came to this conference to watch this ass clown type things into his Droid Incredible? Thank God my company didn’t actually have to pay for me to attend this conference, or they would feel like complete idiots. Speaking of idiots, where the hell do they find these people?”

Study: More Stupid People Buying Smartphones

Coleman Engellenner — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:55:12 +0000

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction. Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack. ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill. In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville. So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

Study: Foursquare A “Total Sausagefest”

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 19:12:48 +0000

A study released late last week by the Center for Social (Media) Studies revealed that quasi-popular location-based social networking tool Foursquare is a “complete and total sausagefest.” According to the report, the Foursquare user base has a nearly four-to-one male-to-female ratio, almost double the two-to-one male-to-female ratio required to officially proclaim a party a “sausagefest.” ”Everyone was so hot on Foursquare, from marketing departments, to, well, marketing departments,” said lead researcher Just Czechtin. ”But these findings totally killed the party. After finding out that most of the people on Foursquare were just ad agency people trying to figure out how people use it, and 75% of those people were dudes, we expect most people to check out, and migrate over Sammy’s house party, where at least you have a chance at talking to some chicks.”

Apple To File For Religious Status

Coleman Engellenner — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 19:09:59 +0000

Citing the blind faith and unwavering conviction of its tens of millions of “fanboys” around the world, Cupertino-based computer and software maker Apple announced Tuesday morning that it has filed for religious tax exemption status with the Internal Revenue Service. The filing, considered by many to be the first step in establishing itself as a recognized religion, came on the heels of a Texas A&M study that highlighted the “slavish adoration” of Apple’s dedicated fan base. ”It’s secretly been part of the plan all along,” said Apple founder and aging poster boy Steve Jobs. ”Our design and advertising are so mesmerizing, that we can make somewhat deeply-flawed products, and people will still buy them like it’s their last day on earth. When you think about it that way, it really already is a religion. So why not take advantage of the tax breaks? Plus, once this goes through we’ll be able to sue all those iPhone bashers for religious discrimination. Not feeling so good about posting that video now, are you, tinywatchproductions?”